just did this superbly embarrassing jelly song BEFORE, DURING and AFTER eating grape jelly. don't ask who taught me.

JELLY IN MY BELLY,
JELLY IN MY BELLY,
WIBBLE-WOBBLE WIBBLE-WOBBLE
JELLY IN MY BELLY!




but yes, this is what older friends are supposed to teach ya
and so so addicted to yakult, surimi and ham lately.


mmm grape jelly, virginia ham and strawberry short cake.
perfect supper.

again and i realize, just be yourself, no matter what others may say.
criticism and harsh judgement is free for all and offers little consequence for some.
cruel humor may masquerade as good fun, but it rarely fools anyone but the most infantile, no? 


as interesting as you may have been, or as intelligent as you may sound,
if you don't stand up to your friends,
and judge so easily, with so little.


i'll rather not know you at all.


i'm just glad i found out earlier,
because you're such a utter waste of time.


----


oh oh and just stumbled across a good blog lately.
good, concise writing, and she's so honest.
it's refreshing, she doesn't lie to herself about her feelings,
and yet, she writes it so well, without coming across as overly sappy.
here's a line from her journal.


" Tonight I will go to work. And after work, I will get smashed. And after that I'll hope to be unconscious."


wished for that, many, many times.
but i'm far too much of a coward to get properly drunk,
because i'm too afraid of the consequences.


-----------


and on a more serious note,
it's rare that i long to understand another person so.
when i read something of his,
i willed for all of my literature ability to manifest.
i longed to understand more,
hoped that there were clues to what were his thoughts.


i just wish i understood what he meant.


i think i understand a little better why i fell so in love with literature.
if only i could understand the author a little better through his works.
if only.




-Lizzy

i'll believe in the idealistic part of me.


it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leave. 
there's so little point, in being with someone like this. 
truly.


why do this if you know you're going to hurt the person you love?
i can't understand.


-Liz

I will learn,
simply because I know I must.


I will. I will. I will.

love him loadssssss.


haha yeah, in schoolgirl mode i suppose. 


but. thinking of him makes me feel stronger, yet weaker.
more determined, yet more vulnerable.


what a strange mix. 

Eventful day. -nods-

good news-

got back my nm essay which i rushed out, and got 27/30 which was a really pleasant surprise.

top in class yay! ( haha transported to primary school for a moment. but anyway i never excelled in primary school. at least one good thing about nus (and diana) - they finally made me actually care a semblance about my grades. i remember being relieved during primary and sec school when i'll always JUST miss retaining because of lousy grades. )

Yoke Chian told me that Marina bay sands finally replied and they were open to interns! <3

Nearly hugged him in joy when i found out!

bad news -

caught a pretty bad cold,

which is really bad timing, because my draft is due tomorrow ( okay, TODAY) at 10am.

and had to attend a resume writing talk which was bad timing because i was constantly worried about my essay due.

fighting off sleepiness and health concerns to do my work and it's surprisingly a bad feeling.

just way, tired. 

although i THINK the good news outweigh the bad.

i'm too mentally tired to know anything. 

there's always always a seemingly paradoxical problem to deal with.
of course it's not really a paradoxical issue but sometimes it seems to be.
there can be the feelings of closeness without time spent with each other,
the possibility of love despite both physical and emotional distance.
I know that.
independence and feelings of closeness.
you can have both, and i need both. 


I know.


but it's so hard.


if we can live out our lives separately
without, and learning to curb feelings of need, longing or want,
valuing so many things above each other,
freedom, independence, career, friends,
then occasionally i wonder why we stay together.


nah, it's not his fault at all.
i know it's entirely mine,
and that i'm inconstant, entirely prideful and scared of getting hurt.
but it's an issue i can seemingly, never shake off.


honestly, i'm just hoping it's one of my moods.
however i'm too much of an idealist at times,
and entirely too uncompromising and closed.
i just wonder why they bother trying.




"
There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?




The answer to each is the same: only love.          "




-Lisa

2010!
okay this post is gonna be a weird mix of past, present and future.
recollections, memories and wishes. 


okay it's good that everyone blogs about their life and stuff,
motivates me to attempt to reflect a little about my 2009.
to be honest, much of 2009 was a huge blur.
a lot of it was defined by my SEP to Helsinki,
and my subsequent month long trip to London.


was such a strange period,
marked by loneliness, strength, longing, love.


i fell in love a million times over with so many people, objects and places.
for the first time, threw a party and it was fun but stressful, as all parties are wont to be.
learnt to grapple with loneliness and came out of it a lot more independent,
yet strangely, treasuring my friends so much more than ever.
been amazed at what they have done for me.


interned at TJC and surprisingly walked out with a closer than usual friend,
and enjoyed my time tremendously with my colleagues there.


haven't learnt to drop that barrier though.
and as per my conversation with marl,
love unconditionally? definitely difficult for me.
it's definitely better not to overly rely on anyone,
and i'm trying to drop expectations as well,
which will lead to lessened disappointments, definitely.


got together this year,
and broke up this year as well.
it was really challenging relationship,
but my longest to date.
but the most important thing is that i have no regrets-
which covers both grounds-
entering the relationship,
and leaving the relationship.


tried my hand at planning and realized that i hate it with a passion.
living up to my name as a flighty butterfly with a short attention span.
is a little less impulsive, but still headstrong.


glad i managed to complete and decently pass all my modules,
despite cramming everything into one semester.
4,4,4,3,2. fairly decent, where 1 and above is already a passing grade.


got a tuition job and gonna try to be a good tutor.
going to pick up floorball again after leaving it for more than a year.


resolution for the new year?
be myself, love the people around me, and grow.


love. live. learn.


momento mori.
to remember the existence of death is to remember life.


but you know,
that's surprisingly hard to do. ;)


but not too many resolutions,
i believe in myself,
and it's important not to regret anything i do.


I've done it too much last year to regret anymore this year.


to 2009.


but but but because i love goals,
this will be mine.
to hit dean's list, try try not to hate, and be myself.
oh, and be trilingual one day.
one day.
and be less materialistic!


okay now that i think of it, it's a long list of resolutions.
but but if i'm not gonna be harsh with myself, who will?


lala and as i said, even if i falter for whatever reasons in year 2010,
i'm not going to regret. 
no matter. no matter.


Lisa