simply, lisa

2010-05-29T13:50:00.001-07:00

just did this superbly embarrassing jelly song BEFORE, DURING and AFTER eating grape jelly. don't ask who taught me.

JELLY IN MY BELLY,
JELLY IN MY BELLY,
WIBBLE-WOBBLE WIBBLE-WOBBLE
JELLY IN MY BELLY!

but yes, this is what older friends are supposed to teach ya
and so so addicted to yakult, surimi and ham lately.

mmm grape jelly, virginia ham and strawberry short cake.
perfect supper.

2010-05-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

again and i realize, just be yourself, no matter what others may say.
criticism and harsh judgement is free for all and offers little consequence for some.
cruel humor may masquerade as good fun, but it rarely fools anyone but the most infantile, no?

as interesting as you may have been, or as intelligent as you may sound,
if you don't stand up to your friends,
and judge so easily, with so little.

i'll rather not know you at all.

i'm just glad i found out earlier,
because you're such a utter waste of time.

----

oh oh and just stumbled across a good blog lately.
good, concise writing, and she's so honest.
it's refreshing, she doesn't lie to herself about her feelings,
and yet, she writes it so well, without coming across as overly sappy.
here's a line from her journal.

" Tonight I will go to work. And after work, I will get smashed. And after that I'll hope to be unconscious."

wished for that, many, many times.
but i'm far too much of a coward to get properly drunk,
because i'm too afraid of the consequences.

-----------

and on a more serious note,
it's rare that i long to understand another person so.
when i read something of his,
i willed for all of my literature ability to manifest.
i longed to understand more,
hoped that there were clues to what were his thoughts.

i just wish i understood what he meant.

i think i understand a little better why i fell so in love with literature.
if only i could understand the author a little better through his works.
if only.

-Lizzy

2010-05-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

i'll believe in the idealistic part of me.

it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leave.
there's so little point, in being with someone like this.
truly.

why do this if you know you're going to hurt the person you love?
i can't understand.

-Liz

2010-04-15T22:33:00.000-07:00

I will learn,
simply because I know I must.

I will. I will. I will.

2010-04-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

love him loadssssss.

haha yeah, in schoolgirl mode i suppose.

but. thinking of him makes me feel stronger, yet weaker.
more determined, yet more vulnerable.

what a strange mix.

2010-04-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

Eventful day. -nods-

good news-

got back my nm essay which i rushed out, and got 27/30 which was a really pleasant surprise.

top in class yay! ( haha transported to primary school for a moment. but anyway i never excelled in primary school. at least one good thing about nus (and diana) - they finally made me actually care a semblance about my grades. i remember being relieved during primary and sec school when i'll always JUST miss retaining because of lousy grades. )

Yoke Chian told me that Marina bay sands finally replied and they were open to interns! <3

Nearly hugged him in joy when i found out!

bad news -

caught a pretty bad cold,

which is really bad timing, because my draft is due tomorrow ( okay, TODAY) at 10am.

and had to attend a resume writing talk which was bad timing because i was constantly worried about my essay due.

fighting off sleepiness and health concerns to do my work and it's surprisingly a bad feeling.

just way, tired.

although i THINK the good news outweigh the bad.

i'm too mentally tired to know anything.

2010-02-27T23:20:00.000-08:00

there's always always a seemingly paradoxical problem to deal with.
of course it's not really a paradoxical issue but sometimes it seems to be.
there can be the feelings of closeness without time spent with each other,
the possibility of love despite both physical and emotional distance.
I know that.
independence and feelings of closeness.
you can have both, and i need both.

I know.

but it's so hard.

if we can live out our lives separately
without, and learning to curb feelings of need, longing or want,
valuing so many things above each other,
freedom, independence, career, friends,
then occasionally i wonder why we stay together.

nah, it's not his fault at all.
i know it's entirely mine,
and that i'm inconstant, entirely prideful and scared of getting hurt.
but it's an issue i can seemingly, never shake off.

honestly, i'm just hoping it's one of my moods.
however i'm too much of an idealist at times,
and entirely too uncompromising and closed.
i just wonder why they bother trying.

"
There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio.
What is sacred?
Of what is the spirit made?
What is worth living for, and what is worth dying for?

The answer to each is the same: only love. "

-Lisa

2010-01-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

2010!
okay this post is gonna be a weird mix of past, present and future.
recollections, memories and wishes.

okay it's good that everyone blogs about their life and stuff,
motivates me to attempt to reflect a little about my 2009.
to be honest, much of 2009 was a huge blur.
a lot of it was defined by my SEP to Helsinki,
and my subsequent month long trip to London.

was such a strange period,
marked by loneliness, strength, longing, love.

i fell in love a million times over with so many people, objects and places.
for the first time, threw a party and it was fun but stressful, as all parties are wont to be.
learnt to grapple with loneliness and came out of it a lot more independent,
yet strangely, treasuring my friends so much more than ever.
been amazed at what they have done for me.

interned at TJC and surprisingly walked out with a closer than usual friend,
and enjoyed my time tremendously with my colleagues there.

haven't learnt to drop that barrier though.
and as per my conversation with marl,
love unconditionally? definitely difficult for me.
it's definitely better not to overly rely on anyone,
and i'm trying to drop expectations as well,
which will lead to lessened disappointments, definitely.

got together this year,
and broke up this year as well.
it was really challenging relationship,
but my longest to date.
but the most important thing is that i have no regrets-
which covers both grounds-
entering the relationship,
and leaving the relationship.

tried my hand at planning and realized that i hate it with a passion.
living up to my name as a flighty butterfly with a short attention span.
is a little less impulsive, but still headstrong.

glad i managed to complete and decently pass all my modules,
despite cramming everything into one semester.
4,4,4,3,2. fairly decent, where 1 and above is already a passing grade.

got a tuition job and gonna try to be a good tutor.
going to pick up floorball again after leaving it for more than a year.

resolution for the new year?
be myself, love the people around me, and grow.

love. live. learn.

momento mori.
to remember the existence of death is to remember life.

but you know,
that's surprisingly hard to do. ;)

but not too many resolutions,
i believe in myself,
and it's important not to regret anything i do.

I've done it too much last year to regret anymore this year.

to 2009.

but but but because i love goals,
this will be mine.
to hit dean's list, try try not to hate, and be myself.
oh, and be trilingual one day.
one day.
and be less materialistic!

okay now that i think of it, it's a long list of resolutions.
but but if i'm not gonna be harsh with myself, who will?

lala and as i said, even if i falter for whatever reasons in year 2010,
i'm not going to regret.
no matter. no matter.

Lisa

2009-12-31T23:54:00.000-08:00

tis tiring living in your own world where you have to constantly explain to others how you feel and what you think.

especially, especially, when even after they do,
they don't understand.

'what're you smiling about?'
' laugh, nothing. nothing at all.'

Love,
-Lisa

2009-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

i've everything i could ask for, almost.

been more busy than usual lately,
hopping from outing to outing,
friend to friend.

& FINISHED LASIK. =)

but then again, i realized,
when you 'fix' something about your appearance,
there's always something else to fixate on laaa.
so gonna take it slow and easy and heck care much more lala.

truth be told.
this period is definitely fun.

but honestly..
i'll give it all up to spend a christmas night with my family.
a home movie, a home dinner,
where no one rushes, and where conversation is easy and plentiful.

I know, i should try.
but there's always just a bit of expectations with every try, every attempt.
and i don't think i can easily bear it if another try fails.

-Lisa

2009-12-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

this is reallyyy important.

have faith in yourself and the person you envision yourself to be.

because

when you don't have faith in yourself,

it's silly to expect people to believe in you.

and also,

when people's faith in you start crumbling,

this is going to be all that you have left.

and it is so, so telling of a person.

so, be strong and believe in yourself.

simply because, you do have to, you know.

-Lisa

2009-12-10T06:40:00.000-08:00

busy busy busy busy busy days.

first tuition session - went alright i think,
she's sweet and pretty hard working.
looking forward to giving my parents my pay when i get it as well.

been going out so often,
a bit dazed, a little tired,
but quite a bit of fun.

wish i knew my mind a lot more as well.
i can't read myself sometimes.
but if i can't, who can?

2009-11-23T11:44:00.000-08:00

A photo taken by Amanda near the dorms of the university of Warrick.

Being a restless traveller was probably the most unforgettable time of my entire life.
seeing brilliant sights and breathing in the chilly air without any worries.

I haven't seen so many other places,
but the rest of Europe can wait till next year. ;)

I'm officially addicted to travelling,
oh and to photography, which is a form of documentation.
especially when my memory's so terrible.
tis a pretty way to remember.

2009-11-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

Honestly, i do feel incredibly lucky nowadays.

random events in cambridge - apple tree climbing, apple picking, walking around, chinese homecooked food, celebrating guy fwakes day with a bonfire, awesome carnival, fireworks with all of their preludes and finales, the noisy and incredibly friendly hall roommates, apple-picking, sightseeing, getting expectedly lost and waiting for Kenny to find me, poker and blackjack at the corridors, night walks, learning bridge, the hall prank on that poor guy, sleeping in till Kenny manages to wake me up ;), unexpectedly yummy food and dessert served even during a late lunch, kenny cooking, cornish pastries, choc biscuits, late night talks ec. and poor Kenny totally exhausted himself entertaining me these few days laugh. cambridge was absolutely awesome. pretty glad i'm going back after a week plus! i think a formal and waltz lessons wait in store. =)

and today, went shopping at portabello market when i got back to London! loved the antique section of the freaking large market which only opens on saturday. so i was pretty lucky. totally shopped like mad and came back to Julian's apartment with bags and bags of stuff! even found a gorgeous mask from Italy! and im really glad i FINALLY found something suitable for my dad there, even.

and when i finally got home,
found a box of Krispy Kreme on the table! =p
peeked inside and saw two donuts heh.
Julian's super amazing at times.
( okay that's only provided that one of the donuts is meant for me LOL.
hopefully it is, because i have been raving about KK for ages! )
oh and brought a piece of cake and a cupcake,
from this popular bakery in Nottingham called hummingbird bakery.

actually the reason i brought stuff from the bakery was damn silly.
there was a line waiting outside the bakery,
and i was like ' wait a minute.. a line's rare here. okay it has gotta be good.'
and automatically joined the queue LOL.
oh gosh i'm such a singaporean in this sense.

laugh, it's so indescribable,
but i wouldn't trade anything, in exchange for this short period in my life.
I fell in love with London,
and then I fell in love with Cambridge.
I think I fell head over heels for England,
including its' quirks such as London's shitty weekend transportation, even,
and the people I've met here.

AHAH. this was the problem i thought i'll face in Finland.
I was kinda afraid i'll like Finland too much,
and hence never be happy in Singapore when i return after the semester.

Anyway, perhaps i'll work overseas or further my studies in UK.
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
So far, i'm not ready to leave, at all.

-Lisa

2009-10-11T13:59:00.000-07:00

got this post from Andrew Ho's blog.
i related tremendously to that post.
there's so, so much to say about this,
yet i'll claim i've nothing to say,
and leave you with his thoughts instead,
which is a lot more mature than mine at the moment.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Real Mature

At every point of life, I try my best to be the better man. The one who meets the expectation of those around me. Unfortunate for the world, in all attempts that I've tried, I failed them terribly. Why? Because contrary to popular beliefs, I am actually human like you.

Believe it.It's always easy to criticize. Life is like a huge stage, while every audience can criticise the performers on stage, most of them can't even perform one bit. To be fair, they paid for the tickets to watch the show. But in life, no one pays to see us, they just hit us all along the road.

The hardest part to accept these criticism is, sometimes they are true. If a rapist accuse another rapist of rape, is he correct? Yes he is, but is he qualified to point that out? Again, by law, yes he is and he should. But does the whole scenario sounds fair or right? Not really.

So how do we deal with social situations as such, when an idiot calls us idiots because we really are idiots. I've tried different approaches to find the best way to handle this, I can scold them back, reason it out, forget it, cut contact. But the best way really, is merely to accept it.

Does that mean we lose? Yes. We lose. We lose our dignity, we lose our face, we lose the right to get angry at people for whatever reason. But instead of focusing what we lose, there are actually gains out of it. We gain a friend, we avoided an argument, if we change, we gain respect and ultimately we become better people.

I know this is a lot to take in, and I know it's even harder to perform. But this is the part of growing up that I've learnt recently. For most of the time in the past, I am priviledge to have older friends and brothers around to accomodate to my crap. This time around, I have to accomodate others. And that my friend is real mature.

Posted by Andrew Ho at 1:31 AM 1 comments

-Lisa

2009-09-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

sometimes the problem with socializing loads, be most superficially,
is that you see a myraid of people.
and sometimes,
you see those rare kind of people whom you've inexplicably very drawn towards.

it could be any reason,

ranging from the fact you think she's so interestingly pretty,
and that she could be such an interesting person if i could get her to open up a lil more,
to the fact you like his infectious smile and innocent attitude,
to the reason that you think he has so much to offer in intellectual conversation,
even the reason may be that you like his british accent LOL. ;)

it could be anything, really.
but the problem is that most of the time,
i know most of them on such a perfunctory note,
there simply isn't any room to get to know them better.
which is such a shame.

because once you catch a whiff,
it lingers for a moment, and then leaves.
leaving you wanting more.

i wish i could be that sort of person as well! =)
but i think it's hard because i'm too friendly most of the time. =(
no air of mystery and all. hmpt.

laugh but yes, it is interesting as well,
uncovering depths to a person, esp when you don't really expect it.
point taken, today.

-Lisa

2009-09-23T22:09:00.000-07:00

you know..

everyone says that we should live life to the fullest,

blah blah no regrets if you die the next day and shit.

but that's simply not the person i am.

even if im aware of the possibility that the closest person i have will die the next day.

i simply will not change my words nor actions to him or her.

if i regret. so be it.

that's just the kind of stoic person i can be, sometimes.

-Lisa

2009-09-19T00:09:00.000-07:00

i do try reallyyy hard not to judge people.
and it's pretty refreshing being on this exchange,
seeing this glimpse of this whole variety of people.
and pretty much it reinforces what i believe in.
don't ever judge.

but it's ironic that because i try so hard not to judge people,
i absolutely judge people who judge others.
i cant quite understand their mentality,
which makes it worse.

which again produces a difficult tension when the people i know and love judge others or me.
i don't know how quite to react
i accept their point of view yet it's something i completely cannot understand nor fully forgive.
it's somehow more inbuilt, so it's hard to change that in people, i know.

it occasionally aggravates the situation
because i'm not particularly forceful in trying to persuade people about my opinions,
sometimes because im concentrating on trying to understand their reasonings.
and after friends i know judge me excessively,
i simply slowly withdraw.
a very non-confrontational method which can be a bad thing at times.

well of course unwittingly i do judge people.
but i do try not to, and i do have my reasons for judging after knowing them.
so at least. =)

and i wish my dad would stop telling me that i could just not do my modules and just come back.
i'm trying so hard in my academic pursuits. =(
hoping for a little more encouragement and push instead.
ah but then again, i shouldn't hope for change,
when i don't speak out against it.

-Lisa

2009-09-18T04:18:00.001-07:00

All knowledge is worth having.

this sentence is pushing me to drastically overload on my modules in Helsinki.
well its not that much of a chore.
( assuming i don't take this one course mediated communications
which is a crash course all in 5 days
which requires me to write an 5000 word essay at the end of the week.).
hopefully i can clear the 8 or 9 modules by the second week of november or earlier.
having a real thirst for learning nowadays.

Brian said i was handling the stress of exchange by being a typical Japanese
- by working and working.
well it's true perhaps.
but it's strangely enjoyable during the day,
with just studies, and household matters to occupy my mind.
there's no shit here such as constant worry about my grades,
no quibbles with family or close friends and an hectic social balancing act.

of course it has trade offs like everything such as no gambling
(no cards gatherings no mj no virgo),
lonely nights,
and enduring the ultra cold weather here.
but precisely because it's only till november
i think the tradeoff well worth it.
it's a refreshing change.

oh and basically all i've to do is pass so it's generally a pleasure learning in class,
particularly when it's voluntary and not because of requirements.
but of course attention capacity is at around 80% at best on average,
without the factor of fear lol.

and this post is disfragmented because my sleep cycle is totally off.

-Lisaa

2009-09-08T13:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes,
the closer the person is,
the harder it is to forget,

and forgive.

it used to be so easy.

2009-08-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

cooked my first meal in the hostel and it tastes alrightttt

2009-07-27T12:26:00.000-07:00

just recovered from flu and a bunch of other stuff.
ahh, so much thoughts to sort out.
but i really don't have much time actually.
rushing rushing to go finland.

i don't have much time surprisingly,
even after my internship at tjc ended on friday.
i doubt i can even go for lasik.

and i do think the way i am is rather bad.
i've turned a little more independent,
but a little less tolerant,
and every concession i make is one of relunctance,
and one of disappointment.

feeling so restless lately.

and on a totally random note,
i long to meet wan wen.

-Lisa

2009-07-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

no one will ever understand the mask i wear.
no one. no one, ever.

how can anyone?
when sometimes i don't know i'm wearing a mask myself?
it's only later, that i realize. how upset i am. how let down i feel.

oh, the wonders of a smile.
sometimes i don't know it myself.

and truthfully, what kind of love isn't worth fighting for?
but honestly, i do feel tired at times.
but but but, no. i've never regreted it.

the loss of social credit and superficial friends, increased gossip surrounding me,
is something i can handle. a bit tough. but it ain't that bad.
thank god i've experience with unpopularity in my younger days LOL.
it really helps.
because i don't feel like i have to be that socially adjusted and conform.
just because some people are the way they are.

some people are the worst.

-Lisa

2009-07-19T17:24:00.000-07:00

my most treasured friends,
are those whom i don't feel burdened with,
when i'm by their side.

-Lisa

2009-06-29T21:40:00.003-07:00

sooo fatigued.
juggling work, mahjong, boyfriend, family, dog and friends iz tiring.
but yeah maybe its mainly because i'm lazy and have bad management skills.
i'm doublebooked a lot this week. -_-

but but but!
i've wednesday to rest! after work!!!
no one's going to touch my weddie! =D

-Lisaa

2009-06-24T19:13:00.000-07:00

there will always be a few people in your life,
who will make you say ' fuck you' sincerely.
always.
but yup that's life. warts and all.
it's really best to quick quick cut them away since they're probably toxic.
ahhh but i made a promise to myself from the beginning not to use this blog,
to outwardly bitch or whatever someone i don't like.
so i either try to be vague as a small courtesy to the other person,
or best, not talk about it at all or save it under my drafts.
but it's real hard at times.
when you're trying to enunciate your anger in purposefully vague language,
and all that's going through your head is
' GRRR(&)(Q*)FUCKYOU(#&%)BITCH()&!RU'

on another note,
been kinda depressed for the past few days,
angsty and vaguely upset with family, friends and boyfriend all at the same time.
and fell ill at the same time, unfortunately.
but life always goes better after a fall.
this whole thing really taught me some life lessons,
and i think i've learnt how to handle my relationships a little better.
well, a step at a time.

but things have been improving!
relationships with my friends, boyfriend, and definitely my parents.
AND MANDA IS COMING BACK ON MONDAY
AND VER IS COMING BACK ON SUNDAY!!!!!
pretty excited actually!!!
and im freaking glad diana is homeee. =p
already bugged kristy to get the hand sanitizer from US when she flies there!

well, life has lost a bit of it's spark, to be honest.
and the more i live my life,
the more im sure i want to work in a casino.
tis my passion! love it to bits.
or run a business. anything, but a 9 to 5 job.
and the travelling bug has hit!
dying to travel travel travel.
hopefully things will materialize,
but i've learnt to count on myself more and not expect too much.
afterall i've let down people too.

-Lisaa

2009-06-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

again, i realize
everything i am, what i've accomplished,
what i strive to do, to be,

is primarily because of everyone around me.

going to Japan to study and work,
my university degree, my second upper honours which i keep stressing myself,
going finland to freeze my cap, studying japanese and chinese,
my various internships at rajah and tann and all the other companies/schools.

i keep pushing myself, taking one step after another.
telling myself it's for my future and parents.
i keep trying to make the best of everything.

maybe, getting a casino degree in the future,
is one of the few things i want for myself.
i love my parents, but i do wonder.
how much of the 'me' right now, is really myself?
maybe im just a product of people's expectations and wants.

friends like me to be friendly, so im social.
parents want me to go nus, so i go nus.
and so on.

but no, is that question even important?
it's not as if i can change.
i'm too grounded in reality now,
both social and economic.

even if i want to stop depending on my parents, boyfriend, and friends,
and be more independent.
i can only do so really slowly, step by step.
maybe i'll alienate them a little,
but to a certain degree, they have alienated me as well,
and everyone knows this lesson,
depending on others? oh please.
i forgot the sting of disappointment and hurt.

i understand this a little better.
the fierce independence that i see a few of my friends guard, sometimes to great cost.
at least they don't lose themselves.

-Lisa

2009-06-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

hmmm i really really really REALLY believe that,

if you're willing to try hard enough,

and dedicate enough feeling, sincerity and effort to it,

you can do anything, eventually.

lesson of the day learnt from bejeweled!!! =D

-Lisaa

2009-06-12T02:24:00.000-07:00

going to revamp my blog one day!
emphasis on the one day.

dinner with raymond and later a movie with fuad and justin!
drag me to hell!!!
trailer looks good, so im wishing the movie all the best.

and chinese tuition tmr =D
hopefully i get the lollipop!!
heh wen promised me it if i get everything right on her test!!!

lasik and japanese classes coming up, soon!

-Lisaa

2009-06-02T02:32:00.000-07:00

how interesting,

that I struggle so much to remember this friend,
no matter how many disapprove.
that i keep everything he gave me,
and remember him with a smile.
despite everything that happened between us.

but yet, with another person,
it's strange how much i have to struggle to forget her.
but perhaps i wasn't trying enough...
that will really, have to change.
why subject myself to this?
to think i always thought it was neccessary.

-Lisaa

2009-05-27T06:50:00.000-07:00

friday will be a busy busy day!
at 8am there's double period GP class,
and the usual lesson observation classes later till 12.30pm.
my nus results will be out at 11am!
having lunch and watching a movie with my tjc colleagues at tampines,
and later a tjc marathon with them,
then a satay party with the rest of the tjc teachers if i can muster up the energy.
and saturday IF I CAN WAKE UP MEET QIN HONG AND THE REST AT 1030 TO GO SENTOSA.

but yes, it's been really amazing working in tj. seriously. =)
my colleagues are fantastic and don't bore me at all,
while the other teachers do not abuse me at all as an intern lol.
i actually thought i would be kinda abused, initially.
but for example,simply for helping one teacher out for a class,
he thanked me and gave me chocolate later.
just the tip of the iceburg.
and the teachers who i'm observing are really so cool.
i'm so freaking glad i got posted here.

-Lisa

2009-05-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Perhaps. If we met during another day, another age, another place,

Everything may have somehow worked out.

Now, it’s so hard. Dealing with shadows, fallen hopes, and exhaustion.

I’ve made many compromises during the span of this relationship.

God knows he has as well.

But this begs the question, when do you tell when it’s finally time, to stop compromising on things important to you, and let go?

Many people stubbornly stick to one relationship, finding it difficult to let go and such a waste because they’ve channeled too much energy into it.

I don’t want to be stuck in that same rut, and being unsettlingly unhappy at the same time.

-Lisa

2009-05-25T11:17:00.001-07:00

2009-05-13T12:12:00.000-07:00

i want to change,
stop hating, stop judging, stop being apathetic with that annoying touch of smugness.

but it's so hard.
it's so freaking hard.=(

_Lisa

2009-05-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

i want a fresh start.
but it's rather impossible, because i'm just so so so stubborn about everything.
i cling so stubbornly to everything i am, everything i believe in.

freewill, last minute, constant napping, late nights,
i seemingly, can never change.

LOL and my bf saw the latest blog post and was damn saddd.
but on another note, having a boyfriend isn't good for me,
because i depend on him so,
and by over depending on him, i lose a bit of my strength,
both physically and mentally speaking.

-Lisaa

2009-05-11T11:29:00.000-07:00

Marriage? -shudders-

the thought of it gives me shudders and chills.
no, no, not for me, dear sir.

may i interest you in a glass of wine instead?

-Lisaa

2009-05-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

ahhhh one day right,
i want to create a computer virus!
which is essentially software art.

so it mimics a computer virus's action,
but it doesn't do anything harmful to the computer.

while that in itself is a sort of art,
i'll interject other aspects, such as making a pretty software art-ish window with a message pop up!

a bit redundant... but i think viruses have been devoid of beauty and culture for too long.

-Lisaa

2009-05-01T06:09:00.000-07:00

and to be honest, i don't think i'll be happy.
trudging on doesn't really make me truly happy,
yet running away from my life won't make happy as well.

this pseudo happiness is probably what i should continue to grasp at.

and no i'm no emo-ing.
it will detracts the meaning of my thoughts and words,
which has personal value. so no i won't devalue themm.

-Lisaa

2009-05-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

when im really tired,
i just want to be alone sometimes.
simply because i know im uninteresting and dull whenever
i reach a level of fatigue
which no clever wit or whining of mine can abate.

I really am fatigued.
I do wonder if alcohol will help.
I fear it won't.

-Lisaa

2009-04-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

Diana will always occupy a special place in my heart,
despite our oh so many differences and clashes.
despite our quarrels, bickers and serious fights and the endless list,
i think i feel so probably because i know her so damn well,
something like a telepathic connection.
i can't say the same for her FOR SURE,
but im pretty sure she can read me well.
and because she'll always be honest with me,
strangely, i can read her bloody well,
and know exactly how she will think, and more importantly,
feel.

that realization, perhaps made me realize how close i was with her.
i mean, afterall, isn't that one of the hallmarks of a best friend?

-Lisaa

2009-04-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

I actually adore exam periods.
difficult odds with limited time.
rather thrilling lol.
four days left.
worrisome feelings, excitement. annoyance. a smile.

I gave up a lot of things for my studies.
but unlike my many other pursuits, i have no regrets at all.

I don't really study a lot, but I am sincere in my studies.
I can say that truthfully heh.

i'll be content being a second upper double major,
and really discontent being a second lower, not when I know myself.
so i really hope, i can stay in this range,
despite horribly overloading this semester with six modules and Japanese lang.

and you know?
if i eventually do well enough this semester, i really will be proud of myself.
hey, i don't push myself in this aspect for nothing, alright? ;)

-Lisaa

2009-04-03T12:19:00.000-07:00

I dreamt of her,
and it's so strange, how the dream was so distinctly real.
i'll call it a nightmare though.
laugh i was so glad to wake up halfway, at around 3am.

gosh, i really didn't know,
that one lost friendship could still haunt me like this.
but in real-time, real-life, I don't regret it.
I strongly believe it wasn't my fault, regardless.

it just haunts me in my dreams.
I wonder why.

-Lisaa

2009-04-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't cry the day you moved away,
didn't think i could feel this pain
Until i saw the stranger that was you.
Whatever happened to our innocence
and somethin' you said about being friends
Tell me how
Help me say the words out loud.

Could it be
that nothing's gonna change.
Cause time has got a way of taking back
Everything you thought you had
Can you see
the one I lost
when i let go of you.

-excerpt from mary jane, click 5-

2009-04-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

=) he's a dear. except I keep agitating him zzz.
nightmares and livemares. I provide both.
but he's been amazing. honestly.
a burberry wallet, massages, helping me with work,
i always wonder why he has this seemingly endless capacity
to love and indulge me.
yeah i keep hurting and paining him somehow,
simply by being me,
but i wonder if it's inevitable.

but i know, i won't ever find someone like him.
i'm happy being with him,
but i wonder if i'll ever come to regret losing him one day.

and oh i'm quite pleased. =)
as i make progress writing the 6000 word js paper,
the more i find meaning in what i write, in what i research,
in what i analyze, in what i say.

wish the same could be said for the other js paper zzz.
i had the spark for that paper, then i lost it!
just like that. BLAH.
whatever, when i'm studying tomorrow i'll force some semblance of a academic PAPER out.
it's so hard when you don't have inspiration. =(

and i miss marl i'm quite worried concerning helsinki uni sigh but ARGH.

-Lisaa

2009-03-28T13:22:00.000-07:00

Love can really be hurtful, painful and pure poison.
Caring hurts, plain and simple.

which is why i pick nonchalance.
every single time.

even when the people i care for desperately tries to provoke a response from me,
wrapped in their hurt and anger by my actions, unintentional or not.
I automatically close myself up, to reduce the hurt to myself.

selfish, i know.
but how i can not be, when it hurts so much?

i'm perfecting the art, slowly, but certainly.

-Lisa

2009-03-28T05:13:00.001-07:00

How ironic.

my first major is communications and new media.
but yet, communication in my own family is at at standstill.

-Lisa

2009-03-22T07:28:00.001-07:00

( Online fieldwork for Critical Theories to Interactive Media)

Youtube Videos

1) Legal Self-Help: How to change Identity
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VhiLaPt1kiQ

No one can legally change their identity, but they can take steps in that direction by changing their name and social security number. Discover legal ways to help change an identity with advice from a certified family mediator in this free video on legal self-help. this guy, in the video, impounds on the fact that (at least in the US) one cannot truly, fully change one's identity.

2) Mutiple Personalitieshttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCr8MdUsSTA&feature=related"

Hello, this is veno and I m here to communicate about multiple personalities. So human beings have a certain amount of relationships in their world. They ve got friends, they ve got best friends forever, they ve got partners, they ve got family, they ve got.. etcetera, oh and they ve got enemies and they ve got those they approve of and they ve got those they disapprove of etcetera. Now what is interesting is that each human being stand in the centre or in the middle of their world, with all of the people that exist within their world. So, now I m speaking to each human being individually here, or hearing this, so imagine you re standing in your world and you ve got all the human beings you know and you re aware of and you ve ever met, surrounding you. Now, as you stand in front of each person in your world, everyone, including, all people that you know, that you re in a form of a relationship with, you ll realize an interesting thing. For each and every single person you have a specific thought construct, you ve got a specific behavior, you ve got a specific way you will dress and you ve got a specific way you ll present yourself, fascinating. So, as in, how can i, self support, example: do the following: how does multiple personalities manifest? You re in your home and you re going to meet someone, now, every time you walk out that door, depending on who you re going to meet, what you re going to be doing, etcetera, you will put on and present a specific personality, which in compository to your thought, your behavior, the way you dress and the way you present yourself. So as a self support model, I suggest the following: sitting at a table or lying down in your bed or sitting in your bed or somewhere where you re alone. Place every single person in your world in front of you and have a book and a pen, and a piece of paper.. jah, have a book, clean piece of paper, and a pen. Placing the being in front of you, look at your reactions towards this being, look at your thoughts, look at how you ll present yourself for this being, look at how you ll dress for this being. Honestly and specifically, look at who you are in front of all the beings in your world, and you ll notice, you re different. Which is called the manifestation of multiple personality. I wouldnt say disorder, kindof like disorder because you re all in disorder. Going oh I have to be this in front of this person, I have to dress like that in front of that person, I have to behave like this in front of this person, I have these thoughts when I m with this person, it is fascinating and they re all different. Because human beings blend themselves according to their world, instead of their expression being one and equal with all beings in their world, being direct, being specific, being equal and one. Have a look,You re not equal and one with all beings in your world, you ll notice it in your thoughts, the way you present yourself, the way you behave, and the way your entire personality change, specifically the way you dress, fascinating "She talks about how everyone, essentially is suffering from this mutiple personalities disorder, in everyday life.

3) Dissociative Identity Disorder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCr8MdUsSTA&feature=related

points out that there are many reasons and possibilities for Dissociative Identity Disorder, beatings, physical abuse and as a emotional defense. also talks about the symptoms.

4) Introduction to Digital Identity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNGcKhqGMCw&feature=related

Google Tech Talks
January 25, 2007
Identity management is increasingly recognized as a cornerstone of electronic communication and transaction systems. Applications such as electronic commerce, social networking, electronic health record management, government online, and enterprise identity and access management all critically rely on the ability to manage, provision, and authenticate the "identities" of people, devices, processes, and other entities. Three approaches to identity management can be distinguished: silo identity management, federated identity management, and user-centric identity management. Each of these has unique characteristics with regards to security, privacy,...

5) MY IDENTITY WAS STOLEN!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8kZBDde8XA

about a guy whose identity was taken by someone in a different countury, over the net.

6) Identity 2.0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrpajcAgR1E
Dick delivers a compelling and dynamic introduction on Identity 2.0 and how the concept of digital identity is evolving.

7) Identity Theft Prevention
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFcRMrsZsJU

What Can You Do to Protect Yourself?Explains the steps you can take to protect yourself from identity theft.Identity theft is a serious crime. It occurs when your personal information is stolen and used without your knowledge to commit fraud or other crimes. Identity theft can cost you time and money. It can destroy your credit andruin your good name.Deter identity thieves by safeguarding your information.
■ Shred financial documents and paperwork with personal information before you discard them.
■ Protect your Social Security number. Don't carry your Social Security card in your wallet or write your Social Security number on a check. Give it out only if absolutely necessary or ask to use another identifier.
■ Don't give out personal information on the phone, through the mail, or over the Internet unless youknow who you are dealing with.
■ Never click on links sent in unsolicited emails;instead, type in a web address you know. Use firewalls,anti-spyware, and anti-virus software to protectyour home computer; keep them up-to-date.Visit OnGuardOnline.gov for more information.
■ Don't use an obvious password like your birth date,your mother's maiden name, or the last four digitsof your Social Security number.
■ Keep your personal information in a secure placeat home, especially if you have roommates, employ outside help, or are having work done in your house.Defend against ID theft as soon as you suspect it.
■ Place a "Fraud Alert" on your credit reports, and review the reports carefully. The alert tells creditorsto follow certain procedures before they open new accounts in your name or make changes to your existing accounts. The three nationwide consumer reporting companies have toll-free numbers for placing an initial 90-day fraud alert; a call to one company is sufficient:Equifax: 1-800-525-6285Experian: 1-888-EXPERIAN (397-3742)TransUnion: 1-800-680-7289-FTC.gov

8) Asian American Identity -
Unraveling Asia America http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW4rFV5EJJg

Directed and edited by Calvin Sun, Identity - Unraveling "Asian America" seeks to reveal what lies beneath the color of our skins for a new generation of Asian Americans.This ten minute video by the Columbia University Asian American Alliance features selected interviews from 50+ undergraduate students representing over 20 different cultural and performance organizations at Columbia University. Topics range from the indeterminate nature of the Asian American identity to subtle cultural diversity/segregation challenges among undergraduate campuses and possible solutions to these issues. Production began November 2005, and post production wrapped up March 2006.- -

about how representations and identities of Asian Americans are built up, addresses that problem, and possible solutions.

9) Identity Theft Protection - Deter, Detect, Defend
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ebLOUxEO14&feature=response_watch
Do you know anyone who has been a victim of identity theft? Have you been one yourself? Watch this video from the FTC and visit HowIdentityTheftWorks.com to learn more about the nation's fastest growing crime. -a site actively trying to prevent identity theft and raise awareness.

10) Building a Strong Online identity : Robin Goodhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR33kvEcL_Q

www.MasterNewMedia.org - Robin Good shares his expertise about building a strong online identity and becoming a reliable source of information. Is it all about a fancy name? No, what really matters is your passion to share your knowledge and explore. -formation of a online identity
ARTICLES
Articles

1) Identity Construction : New Issues, New Directionshttp://www.evernote.com/shard/s7/res/e0c0f1e8-d43e-4442-a687-6107fa83140d/2952557.pdf

The study of identity forms a critical cornerstone within modern sociological thought. Identity Studies have evolved and grown central to current sociological discourse. Microsociological perspectives, perspectives which focused primarily on the individual , dominated work published through the 1970s. Sociologists focused primarily on the formation of the "eye", ...but identity research of the past two decades proves antithetical to traditional concerns, a shift largely fueled by three important trends : relocation to the site of the collective, Intellectual concerns with agency and self distinction, and new communication technologies.

2) Call centres a hotbed for identity theft Published Date: 22 March 2009 (very recent)
By Fiona GrayA STUDY of Scottish call centres has concluded the industry poses a "serious threat" to data privacy. ( Identity theft can take place offline as well, not just online)Researchers, who interviewed dozens of call centre staff in the Glasgow area, concluded the organisations "can and do provide a mechanism for identity theft".The team uncovered evidence of workers secretly collecting customers' data, forgetting to ask basic security questions of callers, and being regularly offered bribes by criminals to hand over confidential data.Mobile phone cameras, e-mails and even crossword puzzles were some of the techniques used by workers to try to smuggle out lucrative data, the investigation by University of Strathclyde established.The revelations follow claims by the financial industry that the annual cost of fraud in the UK now exceeds £600m. (severe damages)MSPs last week accused the Scottish Government of falling behind on combating fraud after the authorities in England and Wales published the first national fraud strategy. (baby steps? Full protection not in place?)Figures published last week also showed that identity theft increased by 39% last year, costing victims £47.4m. Iain Moir, of Strathclyde's department of management, and Dr George Weir, from the university's department of computer and information sciences, focused their research on three Glasgow call centres in the fields of finance, telecommunications and outsourcing.Interviews with 45 workers revealed a "rich setting for identity theft". Results showed:&149 22% worked with people they considered suspicious;&149 11% had allowed customers to access their account without asking any security details;&149 67% had access to e-mail at work, which could be used to send out sensitive information to third parties;&149 73% had dealt with a suspicious call they believed was an attempt to steal information; • 6% of employees or their colleagues had been offered money for information.The study found that although companies had policies on the use of mobile phones, pens and paper, and computer access, all of which can lead to security breaches, they were often not enforced.One worker told the researchers: "There were two people, they found them taking people's details using newspapers. They were writing the account numbers in the crossword puzzles. The police were called in and they were handcuffed and frog-marched out."Mobile phones are also identified as a security risk. One worker said: "I saw one member of the team taking a photograph of a customer's account details on his mobile phone. The customer's name looked humorous. He wanted to show it to his mates. I pointed out it had basically every piece of information to access someone's account."Asked about the finding that 11% of workers have forgotten to ask callers security questions, a worker replied: "It's higher than that. Sometimes you forget. Everybody's done it, it's human nature to forget."Weir added that although the small scale of the study could not give a full picture of all call centres, it showed there was significant cause for concern.He said: "I expected to find a lot more precautions in place. I was surprised at the suggested prevalence of suspicious activity. I couldn't believe people were allowed to take notes they made at their desks out of the centre. It's such an easy way to steal information."He said people could have no control over this happening to their information. "Even if you don't do any business over the phone or online you will still have your information provided through call centres between companies."Moir added: "I was absolutely shocked that people were bribed to sell information they were handling."A spokeswoman for Consumer Focus Scotland said: "Identity theft has devastating consequences on individuals, so it should be a priority to strengthen standards and make sure they are policed.( identity theft increasingly recognized as high risk)Labour shadow MSP for justice Richard Baker called on the authorities to address the problem. He said: "This must be addressed as a matter of urgency. There are so many restrictions on how you store data and how you pass it on, so this issue needs to be investigated."A spokeswoman for the Crown Office said: "We are all well aware of the need for better cooperation in the fight to counter fraud and we are working closely with law enforcement to achieve that."A spokeswoman for the Customer Contact Association said: "We have a standard that companies can become certified to, with a code of practice concerning fraud, but it is not compulsory."ontrol over this happening to their information. "Even if you don't do any business over the phone or online you will still have your information provided through call centres between companies."Moir added: "I was absolutely shocked that people were bribed to sell information they were handling."A spokeswoman for Consumer Focus Scotland said: "Identity theft has devastating consequences on individuals, so it should be a priority to strengthen standards and make sure they are policed.

3) Stole My Friend's Identity ( from pcmag.com)
03.20.09If you've not yet leapt into the great abyss of social networking, then you haven't created any accounts that can be compromised, and you're safe, right? Not!by Matthew D. Sarrel
Buzz up!on Yahoo!
I'm sure we're all familiar with Robert Louis Stevenson's 1886 tale, The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The story centers on a series of odd occurrences involving the kind and responsible Dr. Henry Jekyll and the morally bereft Mr. Edward Hyde. The poor doctor drinks a potion and draws out his long-buried desires, initiating a series of battles with his hidden side, the cruel, remorseless Hyde. Throughout the novella, Jekyll is shocked and horrified to learn of the atrocities committed by Hyde.You don't need to concoct a magic potion to bring out your evil side. You can live out your dreams online. Remember, on the Internet no one knows you're a dog; you can be whoever you wish.( the fantasy aspect of the internet. Idea of managing, choosing multiple identities.) Isn't that fun? Flip over the coin and it might no longer be fun for you. If you can be whoever you wish, then so can everyone else. Everyone can be anyone and do anything—isn't that why we love the Web so much? I've written a lot about the problem of identity theft—the kind in which your financial identity in the real world gets stolen—but this time I'm talking about protecting your online identity. Your fragile and public online identity is protected haphazardly at best. Web 2.0's collaborative nature and social networking's ease of access has seen to that. Compromising these accounts is a fairly trivial feat. A criminal could break into your account and misrepresent your online persona, damaging your reputation, exploiting the trust relationships with your friends and colleagues, and leaving you to wake up in the morning as Dr. Jekyll did—with a big mess of unknown origin to clean up.Guess what? It's even easier if you don't already have an online identity.( interesting idea that you NEED to participate, if only to prevent this) Now someone doesn't have to hack your account, they can just set up a fraudulent one to begin with. This ought to light a fire under you to create those profiles, if only to lock them down. Fifteen years ago the threat was domain squatting; now the threat is social squatting. If you've never signed up for sites like Blogspot, Facebook, LinkedIn, MySpace, and Twitter, then it's disturbingly easy for a miscreant to do so. And then there's no telling what kind of a jumping-off spot your co-opted identity can serve for other, more malicious activities. I Stole My Friend's Identity How to Keep Yourself SafeTo demonstrate how easy it is to take over an online identity, I created a series of accounts (Live.com, LinkedIn, and Facebook) in someone else's name. I obtained basic info about her from a public document search on the Web to make the profiles look more realistic. About a minute after joining Facebook, I (she) had already started receiving friend invitations. By the end of the day, I (she) had amassed a nice little following. I even exchanged heartfelt greetings on her account with some of my (her) new friends. Despite the fact that I'd larded her profiles with clearly false information, no one expressed the slightest suspicion. This was little more than a proof-of-concept exploit, although I did enjoy my brief stint as a woman. From here, the attack landscape is pretty broad. I could do anything from posting an embarrassing profile or status to using that profile as a way to attack others.( idea of personal attack on the individual, not just financial) If I paired my fake profile with malware masquerading as a Facebook app, then I could send my friends gifts—when they accept the gift from a "trusted" friend they allow the evil app access to their profiles. Also, with some clever social engineering I could learn more about my victim and her friends, enough to seriously mess with their lives. One obvious example would be to go rob someone whose Facebook status says they're on vacation. Even easier, I could use PayPal's Pay Me or Spare Change Facebook apps to ask friends for money.Cutting to the chase: How does this happen, and why is it so easy? And does a Web site (or a social network) have a responsibility to its customers to keep them safe? Of course, Facebook and MySpace argue that they just built the playground and that it's not their job to nanny us, but I take exception to that. They should have made safe playgrounds—but in social networks, it's up to us to ensure our own safety.Here are a few suggestions for keeping yourself safe ( measures to keep yourself relatively safe)1. Claim your name. As each new social network comes out, stake your claim. Even if you leave a blank profile, you are at least protecting that username and perhaps part of your online identity.2. Monitor social networks for your name. Build custom queries on search engines and check up on them monthly. A good place to start is SocialMention, where you can save your search as an RSS feed and then subscribe to it, for quick notification if your name shows up somewhere it shouldn't.3. When you do find someone using your name, read the profile carefully to determine whether it might be someone who happens to share your name or if it is an imposter.4. Immediately contact customer service and request that the fraudulent profile be taken down.5. Do not contact the owner of the fraudulent profile. The last thing you need to do is add fuel to the fire.6. Facebook safety: As a general rule, never follow an external link and never grant a Facebook app full access to your profile. If you can't even be sure who the sheep are, then how can you possibly recognize the wolf in sheep's clothing?7. Consider out-of-band verification of invitations to connect. Replace the reflexive approval—"Cool, I didn't know he was on Facebook"—with a separate e-mail to a known good account asking if the invite is legit.

4) When Your Identity Is Their Commodity
By Evan HendricksSunday, March 6, 2005; Page B01 So you think it's your personal information? That's not the viewpoint of the mega-companies compiling and selling data about you. As they see it, if they collect the information, they own it. Sure, it's about you, but it's theirs. You might think "privacy," but they see a commodity -- and a valuable one at that.(the point of identity having different values to some) And for now, they're right. Never mind that there's a fundamental conflict built into this arrangement. The same companies entrusted with safekeeping our essential information make money only if they sell that information, and they do so in bulk. What's more, the current system places the burden on you to put a stop to any practices you don't like -- provided you discover them. You have to obtain your credit file, dispute errors, "opt-out," call, write -- and hope for the best. ( view that you need to be pro-active about protecting your identity)Those are a few of the lessons emerging from a pair of privacy debacles last month that left millions of Americans asking how they can protect themselves and their data in an age when identity theft is the crime of choice. The first of these fiascos involved a company called ChoicePoint Inc., which admitted that it had been tricked into providing information on 145,000 people to a group of bogus companies, and the second stemmed from Bank of America's loss of credit data on 1.2 million federal employees. The incidents suggest that our sensitive personal information has been treated as just another commodity, deserving no more respect (and maybe less protection) than soybeans or pork bellies.(emphasis on identity being a commodity) The scandals have re-stoked congressional interest. The day after Sens. Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) and Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) announced Judiciary Committee hearings on the ChoicePoint scam, Leahy learned that his credit card data was on the Bank of America backup tape that disappeared without a trace. Like the growing number of Americans victimized by such "leakages," he didn't sound too happy. Perhaps these events will prove to be the tipping point for policymakers and will educate consumers as to their stake and role in what has been aptly termed the "Data Revolution." (need for policy makers to lay down rules. Not just consumers)Did we say we wanted this revolution? In fact, we did -- or at least we didn't complain about its benefits. Without the data revolution, there would be no information age. Personal information is vital to this new epoch. The collection and sharing of that information has powered the economy by increasing the availability of consumer credit, while at the same time lowering the cost of granting it. It also facilitates screening of employees, tenants, nannies and others who are entrusted with access to offices and homes. It makes it more convenient for our highly mobile population to buy houses, rent apartments and get instant store credit. But there's a dark side: The current system invites identity theft, a fast-growing and distressing crime. Ultimately, privacy has a very good chance of prevailing over the forces chipping away at it. Not only do Americans overwhelmingly view privacy as a fundamental right that must be preserved, but the economics of the electronic age also dictate the need for innovations that will protect that personal information while continuing to enable the information age. Brace yourself, however: it's going to get worse before it gets better. As the Supreme Court has recognized, the key to protecting privacy in the modern world is ensuring that individuals maintain reasonable control over their personal data. Reaching that goal requires a mix of strong national policy, good use of technology and consumer awareness. ChoicePoint's recent lapse shows how far we have to go. A still at-large fraud ring became "customers" of ChoicePoint by posing as 50 fake businesses, including debt collectors and check-cashing firms. The thieves used ChoicePoint as a portal for accessing at least one major credit bureau, enabling them to filch Social Security numbers, other identifiers such as addresses, and sensitive credit report data. Although the full extent of the damage is not yet known, it's clearly one of the worst cases ever: ChoicePoint sent letters to 145,000 consumers warning that their data were compromised; 750 individuals were confirmed victims of identity theft. The perpetrators picked quite a target. ChoicePoint is a symbol of the "commodification" of our personal data, having compiled 19 billion records covering virtually every American adult. A spinoff of Equifax, the giant credit bureau, ChoicePoint taps a wide range of taxpayer-subsidized sources, including local property records; driver records; boating, pilot and professional licenses; and court records showing bankruptcies, liens, judgments and divorce. Its sales to corporations and governments last year topped $900 million. (Other database companies are Acxiom, LexisNexis, Westlaw and Seisint.) While some of ChoicePoint's mammoth databases are filled with public records, these records are no longer "public" once ChoicePoint houses them. The company will give you access to some of the files it keeps on you, as required by the Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA). But it recently argued to the Electronic Privacy Information Center (EPIC), a public interest research center here in Washington, that other data are not subject to the FCRA. That means you cannot see your data or correct errors -- even though other companies and government agencies could buy the same data and use them for making decisions about you. With the byzantine nature of the laws governing personal information and of the electronic systems that house such information, you need a scorecard to know when your information is protected by federal statute: credit reports (yes), video rental records (yes), federal agency records (yes), medical records (generally no), bank and credit card records (kind of), non-credit database company records (who knows?). 5) Virtual Politics, by David Holmeshttp://books.google.com.sg/bookshl=en&lr=&id=x_zOA24lvIIC&oi=fnd&pg=PP9&dq=new+media+identity&ots=sgBcJ7uD2T&sig=Plloq_hE3UgkhLxJOfXT98JFHJE#PPP10,M1Virtual Politics is a critical overview of the new - digital - body politic, with new technologies framing the discussion of key themes in social theory. This book shows how these new technologies are altering the nature of identity and agency, the relation of self to other, and the structure of community and political representation.

6) Connecting Developmental Constructions to the Internet: Identity Presentation and Sexual Exploration in Online Teen Chat siteshttp://www.evernote.com/shard/s7/res/7d4ba195-b52b-4c3c-b1ff-bd9243f4a436/DPsubrahmanyam2006.pdfThe authors examined the online construction of identity and sexuality in a large sample of conversations from monitored and unmonitored teen chat rooms. More than half of the 583 participants (identified by a distinct screen name) communicated identity information, most frequently gender. In this way, participants compensated for the text-based chat environment by providing information about themselves that would be visible and obvious in face-to-face communication. Sexual themes constituted 5% of all utterances (1 sexual comment per minute); bad or obscene language constituted 3% of the sample (1 obscenity every 2 minutes). Participants who self-identified as female produced more implicit sexual communication, participants who self-identified as male produced more explicit sexual communication. The protected environment of monitored chat (hosts who enforce basic behavioral rules) contained an environment with less explicit sexuality and fewer obscenities than the freer environment of unmonitored chat. These differences were attributable both to the monitoring process itself and to the differing populations attracted to each type of chat room (monitored: more participants self-identified as younger and female; unmonitored: more participants self-identified as older and male).

7) Canadians struggle mightily to manage multiple online personas

Canadians struggle mightily to manage multiple online personas Web savvy Canadians are very social - and it's killing them (figuratively), according to a recent survey by Harris/Decima. Here are some tips to help knowledge workers make sense of their multiple online personalities.3/17/2009 6:00:00 AM By: Nestor E. Arellano http://www.itbusiness.ca/it/client/en/home/News.asp?id=52425

Socializing online is more than a pursuit for Canadians – it's a passion, a recent survey suggests. Most Canadians spend more than three hours a day online, and manage an average of seven to eight Internet accounts, according to the poll by Ottawa-based research firm Harris/Decima. The study, which quizzed more than 1,000 adults across the country about their Web surfing habits, was commissioned by Microsoft Canada in Mississauga. The software firm is promoting the new "online profile aggregator" capabilities of Windows Live, the company's personal Internet services and software offering. While socializing on multiple networks and sites might add variety and spice to many Canadians' lives – it infuses a fair amount of confusion as well. With multiple social network profiles, many Canadians find it very tough to keep track of their "online personas," according to Andrew Assad, research manager, Microsoft Canada's Consumer and Online Group. ( feasibility of managing multiple identities? Associated problems?) "Results show most of these social net profiles and accounts aren't being managed effectively." And by allowing accounts to remain dormant, business users may put themselves at risk, Assad said. Social networking postings now encompass – not just fun stuff – but business and professional data as well, the Microsoft executive said. He said by not keeping tabs on their professional LinkedIn profile, Twitter account, or blog, knowledge workers might miss out on key professional opportunities. Worse still, they may fail to detect and deflect negative information about themselves, Assad said. ( not just the need to create, a need to maintain) "Social networking can be fun, but users also need to do a better job at protecting their online identities." The Harris/Decima survey also uncovered other interesting facts:
Nine in 10 Canadians have more than one online account or profile; one in five say they have 10 or more

More than half of those polled (53 per cent) found it "time consuming" to log into all their online profiles and wanted to consolidate contact lists in a single place
Eight out of 10 Canadians spend at least an hour on the Internet for personal reasons; of this number 45 per cent spend three or more hours online
Two-thirds of Canadians check e-mail accounts frequently throughout the day, while 95 per cent check these at least once a day
More than a third of Canadians check instant messaging accounts, and 30 per cent check their social networking profiles frequently throughout the day

8) Cyber Types - By Lisa Nakamura
http://books.google.com.sg/books?hl=en&lr=&id=pw0PK97lbrkC&oi=fnd&pg=PR8&dq=new+media+identity&ots=GcV0vBv4hB&sig=_Sr0HDIEH75-ryfstH06ANm-IhQ#PPR7,M1Cyberspace entices us with the promise of an online utopia--a web of fluid identities and infinite possibilities. When we look for signs of freedom online--anywhere from chat room conversations to cyberpunk fiction--we are almost inevitably urged toward "liberation" from our bodies and their "restrictive" attributes like race, gender, and age. But cyberculture critic Lisa Nakamura insists that the Internet is a place where race matters.Race itself may not be fixed or finite, but Nakamura argues that racial stereotypes-or "cybertypes"-are hardwired into our online interactions: Identity tourists masquerade in virtual roles like Asian_Geisha and Alatinolover. Web directories sharply narrow racial categories. Anonymous computer users are assumed to be white.In Cybertypes, Nakamura looks at what happened to race when it went online, and how our ideas about race continue to be shaped and reshaped every time we log on. Examining all facets of our everyday online experience from Internet advertising to email jokes, Nakamura shows that the postmodern ideal of fluid selves made possible by network technology is not necessarily subversive, progressive, or liberating. The harder race is pushed off-line, the greater the consequences in real life for people of color.A lively and provocative discussion Cybertypes offers a valuable new way of thinking about race and identity in the information age.

9) Virtual Culture - By Steve Jones
http://books.google.com.sg/books?hl=en&lr=&id=ieSYfJP3a4oC&oi=fnd&pg=PR7&dq=new+media+identity&ots=diNxUB_nXA&sig=0LGN66IRxVWRkwasb7MxpT_qVUo#PPA14,M1
Virtual Culture marks a significant intervention in the current debate about access and control in cybersociety exposing the ways in which the Internet and other computer-mediated communication technologies are being used by disadvantaged and marginal groups - such as gay men, women, fan communities and the homeless - for social and political change. The contributors to this book apply a range of theoretical perspecitves derived from communication studies, sociology and anthropology to demonstrate the theoretical and practical possibilities for cybersociety as an identity-structured space.

10) Aided by Internet, Identity Theft Soarshttp://www.evernote.com/shard/s7/res/e0c0f1e8-d43e-4442-a687-6107fa83140d/2952557.pdfLaw enforcement authorities are becoming increasingly worried about a sudden, sharp rise in the incidence of identity theft, the outright pilfering of people's personal information for use in obtaining credit cards, loans and other goods.

2009-03-16T12:01:00.000-07:00

i'm really glad i'm stubborn,
and simply the way I am.
in this uncertain world,
seemingly, my own core self is the only thing i can cling to.
tightly, desperately.

believing what I am,
what I do is right.

lol Even when people call me stubborn,
it hurts, but it doesn't hurt enough to sway myself the slightest bit.

I can rationalise to myself more,
more than I ever could in the past.

I finally can stop clinging to others,
and start depending more on myself.

I'm glad.

even if it's at the expense of me becoming more headstrong,
more heedless ( hopefully not), more stubborn.

so what? I refuse to sway to the beat of your song.

-Lisaa

2009-03-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

haven't been sleeping well for unknown reasons.
there're no sleepless nights,
but my nights are chock full of fitful dreaming and borderline nightmares.

-Lisaa

2009-02-24T05:41:00.000-08:00

No matter in any situation i find myself in,
there is always, this hopeless sense of inevitability.

-Lisaa

2009-02-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

When there's no foundation,
in character, in heart, in beliefs,

everything will eventually collapse.
no doubt, at all.

-Lisaa

2009-02-16T05:46:00.000-08:00

COMICS ( ONLINE FIELDWORK 3)

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

PART FOUR

PART FIVE

2009-02-04T09:34:00.001-08:00

sudden realization.

i've always known it, but i've never bothered to really think it out and everything.
so here is it. because i need to think it out and decide on my opinions.

my major major short coming as a friend is my lack of dependency.
the lack of security i can give to a person, a friend.
the lack of promise, the knowledge i've many other friends,
that i won't overly depend on her, him.

i don't overly depend on people.
haha, wait, of course i depend on people. a hell lot.
but i don't depend overly on ANY ONE PERSON.
to me it's dangerous, which borders on stupidity.
of course, it is always nice and safe to depend on just one or two people.
to have lunch, to always call the same people, to take the same modules as you,
knowing that you're their top, and vice versa.

but i simply can't. i have my own share of close friends.
but to...blind yourself to just one or two people?
or even three or four?
i really really can't. people are too interesting.
i adore the feeling of getting to know someone new,
and just getting to know more about that person.
i don't mind just entering a tutorial by myself,
and start talking to the person next to me.
the feeling of rushing from one engagement to another.

when i'm like that, of course people won't overly depend on me.
it's silly and stupid of me to expect otherwise.

i refuse to change myself.
i was, for a moment, deliberating whether i should.
after all, being a more dependable friend doesn't sound bad.
but perhaps i shouldn't.

marl once told me,

' never change yourself,
unless you're unhappy with yourself.
never never never for other people. '

well that's the gist of it. =)

simone commented as well that girls always like to hang on to friendships.

perhaps, it's time for me to rid myself of unneccessary friendships.
maybe it's time for me just not to care.
when i don't put in effort in them, i really shouldn't care.
that's the silly thing about it.
i don't really put effort in these friendships,
but i care. i do treasure the friendship, to a certain extent. quite a lot at times.
i don't know why it's like this. but it is.

but forget it. there are only so many friendships i can treasure.
esp when there's backlash which will hurt. which stings.

the rest? dismiss with a smile and wave?
i haven't a choice, have i?

surprisingly, this post is important to me.
i desperately need to sort out my thoughts.

i will not change,
but to protect myself, i just have to force myself to care less about certain people.
i know, this is such a secondary school issue.

but i haven't learnt to resolve it.
because i've always felt, still feel, that although some people might consider some of my friendships superficial because there is a lack of effort from my part,

but.. that if i run to them, i always think that they'll be there for me.

that's enough for me.

to have the people i know now, the ever constant group in my life.
family, marl, li wen, manda and the whole group, ws, simone, ver, rit, sheena, and others,
rayner the whole group, the 05a202 group, the cnm ppl, nick and his friends, friends i know in Japan, and so so so so on.

it's fine. some people really don't matter.
i can't keep grabbing on to everyone i know and expect sincere friendship from them so easily.

childish i know. but it's an elementary lesson i haven't grasped yet.
yet so vital.

-Lisaa

2009-01-31T14:06:00.000-08:00

My two screenshots for one interactive media module. a neccessity. thank god blogger suddenly decided to work or i might have had to resort to creating a wordpress account.

2009-01-31T14:05:00.000-08:00

OMG BLOGGER MAGICALLY DECIDED TO LET ME IN MY OWN BLOODY ACCOUNT AGAIN! YAY! back to blogging. =) have been having a lot of clogged up thoughts and everything in my head and it's driving me nuts. ah, to have not been able to write and save it as a draft. and on occasion, publish.

-Lisaa

2009-01-11T12:35:00.000-08:00

honestly, commitment can be a bitch,

god knows i'm not one for it. definitely.

and i do get tempted, god knows.

but you know?

he makes everything, and i mean, everything, simply worth it.

maybe people can indeed change.

laugh, random.

he looks sooo retardedddddd in the picture. ;)

had to send this to marl once i got it.

-Lisaa

2009-01-10T06:24:00.000-08:00

I WANT A OLDER/YOUNGER BROTHERRRRRRRRR!!!
okay, not younger, come to think of it,
that can be hell.

okay,

I WANT A OLDER BROTHER!!!! =(

it'll be nice to have a family member roughly the same age as you,
accompany you during family outings,
someone to snuggle with when you're young,
oh and i'll probably be more socially adept as well.

but then again, it can be heaven, it can be hell.

-Lisaa

2009-01-09T00:15:00.000-08:00

I seem incapable of having and maintaining really close relationships with friends in nus.

laugh, i have a few closer and more regular groups,
and much much closer and best friends , but they're all outside nus.
whether they be in ntu, sim, overseas, working, or what not.

I entered nus together with two seemingly really good friends,
but in the end i lost both of them.

there were also potential close friends, but i lost them because perhaps,
i simply didn't try enough, they had closer friends,
i had my own friends.

it still kind of haunts me.
but then again,
we all have choices.
I made mine, and there's no regret, none whatsoever. ;)
well except maybe that i should have gone for the arts camp in my first year,
but i didn't because i was damn blur,
and perhaps apply for hall.

but it may have influenced a lot of things in my life.
i may have not made the friends i did outside of nus,
some of them pure gems,
my cap may have suffered,
i wouldn't have been able to do my double major,
i wouldn't have been able to go for sep,
i wouldn't have met the people i did,
i don't know.
i may not have met simone, perhaps.

it's just disconcerting to walk in nus,
say hi to a million people along the walkways,
but discover that there's no one in there,
whose shoulder i can lean on to cry,
truly depend on.
in the institution i'm studying in for 4 years or more.

in the end, there's a lingering silvery faint trace of regret,
but nothing more. ;)

-Lisaa

2009-01-01T10:13:00.000-08:00

gosh it seems ages since i've last blogged.
i'm itching to change the blog's template as well,
tis starting to look drab and uncreative.

laugh i've really a lot of unstored thoughts..
numerous unrecorded events.
fleeting happy memories.
yucks and i realized i sound drippily sentimental when i blog. blah.
but generally, i really don't like to forget heh.

oh, and warning, i've a feeling this will be a really long descriptive entry,
with little point. just marred blurred memories here and there.

and overall, for a holiday i don't really celebrate,
the xmas period wasn't bad.

first celebration was during xmas eve,
at my aunt's place ( which is conveniently next door),
since she had a bbq,
where i ate a lot of lamb with my cousin,
and said hi to all of my 'chinese new year' relatives,
when my aunt insisted that simone had to come so i last minute called him and asked him to appear for a while. and he did!
bearing gingerbread men cookies for everyone and gifts for my mom.
he was really carrying a load, laugh. made a big splash.
was kinda unexpected, but i really was glad, now that i think of it.
he left after an hour or so to join his other friends.

later played mahjong with my cousin, her boyfriend and raymond,
and cleared all of my chips geh.
finished playing in early morn, around 7am,
and returned home to a sleepy simone who slept over at my place to sleep off the alcohol!

the next day, i slept till mid evening and simone came back to my place,
and woke me up with a puppy.
=)))) yes, the japanese spitz puppy i was PINING for,
the sweet puppy i wanted so badly and visited with sarah.
he got him, along with a pen, bowl and all of the essentials.
i'll take photos of it one day and post it online soon!
he's a darling. nearing 4 months, and simply a darling.
i wanted to kill him a lot of times though, mainly because of the shitting and urining issue,
but he's a lot more trained now, toilet trained especially, and is adjusting.

only thing is that either me or simone has to be home for him to behave.
he's especially attached to simone.
i secretly think the pup is simone's ploy to make me even more dependant on him LOL.
but it's working zzzzz. i run to him every time the puppy gives me trouble of any sort.
sheesh, i can't help it. he's so dependable.
honestly. he's such a sweetheart,
and really lavishes his care and concern on me and the puppy.
it's a relief in a sense, to know that he can be so depended on.

he's been here everyday since, regularly walking the dog and taking care of him,
irregardless of whether i'm here or not, actually.
which i really really appreciate, seeing that my maid is FRIGHTENED TO DEATH of him,
my mom's disclined to help, and my dad can't, simply because of a hairline fracture in his leg.

we then dropped by next door for another smaller scaled xmas party,
and after eating a little there, made our way to rayner's for the xmas party to eat again,
caught rain on the channel u show,
and met vanessa, ryan, rayner, alson, kee siong, aaron, kenny, jun kai, sui long, and etc.
brought the dog and we drank a bit after dinner.

after xmas, i went for the regular annual xmas party at amanda's place!
the whole gang was there, manda, li wen, jas, evan, ching, marie and sarah, =)
only exceptions were jen and jemie, who were both in UK sigh.
but yes, had a great time as usual, and it's always fun, being with them.
playing games, eating, exchanging gifts, celebrating ching's birthday,
taking photos...simply catching up and chatting.
laugh i so treasure these sort of moments and events in the year.
it's a blast.

simone came from my place to fetch me after it ended at around 11-ish pm
despite my protests, after walking and feeding whiskey.
haha we decided on the name after my parents rejected shiro and yuuki.
so a english name it is. it has provoked a lot of jokes from everyone,
one commonly being ' OI! give whiskey some whiskey!' heh.

i've been at home more often since whiskey's arrival, actually.
which is really good. i used to go out almost everyday.
i eat at home a lot more often, and accompany my dad a bit more.
i've vaguely reduced my dependence on friends. which is quite positive.
but yeah conversely i think my dependence on simone has increased.
oh well, heck. it really can't be helped really.
i'll be more busy and everything when school starts, anyway.
thinking of taking 6 modules next sem..
but if i include japanese, it'll be a absolute horror, really.
oh well, going to just take the placement test and see how it goes.

and on a more positive note, celebrated the new year with simone and the rest,
seng tuck, rayner, vanessa, amos, alson, aaron, sui long, jun kai, kee siong, and ryan!
when amos got alcohol poisoning after that LOL. it's funny yet a little horrific to me though.
i got drunk last minute on chivas on the rocks blah.
he had to cab me home, carry me home and up the stairs to my room
and just his luck i HAVE to stay on the third floor,
and pander to my requests such as wanting water, melon milk, instant noodles, etc,
and listen to me whine about my tummy hurting due to the alcohol.
( man i'm troublesome, no denying that.)

and dinner and walking around orchard with feng yang was memorable.
he celebrated my belated birthday with a chocolate cake,
and dinner at this teochew restaurant at takashimaya!
the food was awesome, the fish, beef, everything.
we walked around paragon, kino, and heeran etc,
simply talking and catching up.

oh, and on the stroke of midnight, on the 31st of Dec. ( well maybe it's 1st of Jan, who knows?)
simone asked me to be his girlfriend, officially.
and i accepted. =)
i wonder how long this will last..
whether my seemingly endless fascination with him will ever come to a dead, abrupt stop.
i do wonder.

haha, and least our anniversity is a easy date to remember. ;)

-Lisaa

2008-12-27T22:51:00.000-08:00

i love him, i love him, i love him.

that's what i keep repeating to myself i clear his feces.
zzzzzzzzzz.
i love him i love him i love him.
whiskey is pretty, and a bundle of joy. not trouble. not noise. JOYYYY.

okay i think i love him back now.
WHISKEY I'M GOING TO CLEAR YOUR EXCRETION FOR THE FIRST TIME.

sigh, i must remember that i've always wanted this. wanted him.

-Lisaa

2008-12-22T11:39:00.001-08:00

I honestly feel very privileged,
because you loved me so, once.

thanks for going to the two shrines in Japan and Taiwan to pray for me.
few things in the world can match up to that.
thank you.

I really really want to be friends.
I really do. could we be?

-Lisaa

2008-12-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

so i sat back,
and watched her make the same mistakes again.

ultimately, mistakes are ours to make.

-Lisaa

2008-12-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

Birthday celebrations over the days were freaking AWESOME! ;)

perhaps i'll go into detail and post pics one day,
but now i'm simply soaking in the whole awesome-ness of it all,
and feeling touched by everyone who celebrated my birthday with me,

esp by the ever present whole ahma and co gang ( esp Manda who smsed me frm UK!),
and Li Wen, Evan, Marie, Sar and Ching, at blue jazz cafe who sang happy birthday
together with all the bartenders and friendly people there,
the triple four-leave clover necklace ( bronze, silver, gold), the belly dancing Kyoko,
and the freaking yummy and filling brownie cake.
Jas, Jemie and Jenny who smsed and facebooked me =D

Simone, who took the trouble to learn how to bake the japanese strawberry spongecake because he knew it was my favourite cake, brought me to underwater world, the mega delicious and ridiculously expensive Nogawa restaurant at Sentosa Golf Club, and brought me two Ralph Lauren polo shirts, and later surprised me at the bedok court's pool side at midnight with Rayner, Alson, Siu Long, Ryan and his friend.

hell, from watching high school musical to singing happy birthday in a heartbeat.
pity i missed Amos and Wei Wei by mere minutes!
He admitted that he has been planning my birthday for 2 months. silly..

Wan Wei, who wanted to last minute surprise me at tampines with a slice of birthday cake,
the girl who really opened my eyes about a lot of things,
and who really supports me in everything, esp taking a new degree in casino management. =)

the cnm group who surprised me with tiramisu for dessert, ;)
and randomly sang me happy birthday in the cnm playroom after spring cleaning!

my family who brought me strawberry sponge cake from four leaves bakery,
and who i still owe a birthday treat!

My uncle, who brought me chocolate from Rome! =)

and all the sweet smses and facebook messages
( yup facebook is SO the new social network now)

laugh, stuff that struck me ;
Avni's FIRST belated birthday sms,
Raymond wishing me three times,
Jia Yang cute birthday message on facebook because i nagged at him before our exam to remember my birthday, Fuad wishing me a pre-emptive happy birthday,
Brian wishing me a happy birthday from Japan,
Nick sweetly wishing me happy birthday ( ESP WHEN I FORGOT TO WISH HIM, WHICH WAS 2 DAYS BEFORE MINE),
michele!=)))) OMG heh,
ever uplifting Kristy,
sweet Tricia
super ultra earnest Raymond =))
Super distant overseas cousin Judy wishing me,
Wee Siong calling me the night before my birthday to wish me,
and we end up talking for hours,
and Rani smsing me from Indonesia

and all the unexpected/expected =p people who remembered =))))))
sinyee, daisy, ron, osha, jeanette, shauna, cyan, diana,josephine, jerome. jonathan, daryl,
dominic, gloria, juai kai, scott, evi, yi fong, nikki, hilda, pearlyn, cindy, carmelita, vanessa, roger. =)
( some probably because of facebook's birthday function LOL)

I kept making one wish throughout.
was really simple, but it has to come true. =)
it's damn important.
because they're really important to me.

...and i wonder why i'm so easily surprised by people zzzz.
haha, and i fell sick during the later part of my birthday, during the night,
and needed the next day to shrug off most of the cold.
but it's remarkable that irregardless, it was still amazing.

Thank you, all. =)

-Lisaa

2008-12-02T03:31:00.000-08:00

i'm so glad.
A for my JS project paper.

the one with groups mates which caused me to curse, swear, bitch.
the horrendous amount of editing i did,
having to come up with the thesis, methodology, by myself,
the email she sent me,

the first time i've ever asked a lecturer if i could do an individual project,
the first time i've ever emailed my group mates, blasting them and
having to threaten them the day before submission.

but whatever. A!=)
everything came together in the end,
with one editing and the other formatting.
staying together as a group does work, afterall.

comments -

Your group got the highest grade (along with one other group which also got an A). Well done!

Initially, I was very worried about this paper as I couldn't see how you were going to make the transition from media content to audience effects. But though a very innovative set of methodologies and what must have been very interesting fieldwork, you managed to pull together a very interesting argument.

Overall, the argument was strong, simple, and entirely convincing. Your analyses were well supported through statistics and analytical readings. And of course it helped that the whole thing was well written.As a way of improvement, I would suggest that you synthesize the descriptive data of the manga. That part was a bit tedious and could have been distilled for the most important observations. But other than that, a very good job!

Grade: A

=)

-Lisaa

2008-12-02T00:56:00.000-08:00

OMG SEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IT WAS SO BLOODY UNEXPECTED!
=))))))))))))

-LISA =)

2008-12-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

people may not be strong enough to live on truth alone.
how true.

the truth can be too damaging, too hurtful.
what? to die, bearing knowledge that there may be nothing out there,
that you'll be reduced to dust, nothing more,
the chilling possibility that heaven and hell may not exist,
with no god to acknowledge your good deeds or sins.

truth. what is it?

okay this may be going around in circles,
but for the record, i hate history,
because history, by it's crux is biased as hell.
and sometimes, i don't see why we HAVE TO keep having to dig, dig, dig for the truth.

i find it proposterous that our Singaporean history book,
our social studies secondary school book,
cannot give us the truth

but then again.. what is the truth anyway?
it's so elusive.

what's so wrong, about providing an accurate account of history.
of providing an accurate interpretation of the past?
openly allowing different interpretations, making different sides of it accessible.
instead of leaving it solely to history students to sort it out for us?

what is so wrong about providing knowledge if we can,
and have the resources to?

what is so wrong, about telling that

i really have a very deep rooted, innate distrust of everything i read in books.
because they're so bloody biased.
course, with the exception of fiction, because it's universally acknowledged that by god, it's just fiction! imagination intertwined with fact, and everyone knows it. no one tries to hide that fact.

but non-fiction books?
textbooks as well, of course.
history textbooks?
-scoffs-

don't make me laugh.

mayhap, true or not,
the british may have dropped the two bombs on Japan,
because of a translation error.

it's hard to believe.
then again, sometimes certain facts are plain hard to stomach.

-Lisaa

2008-11-28T07:21:00.000-08:00

stumbling through life -

sick, and yet forcing myself to study,
to absorb, to read.

perhaps it's reflection of life.
but hell, we have to work hard for things we want.
i rested a little already.
can't ask someone else to study for me, can't I?

-Lisaa

2008-11-27T00:48:00.000-08:00

i've nothing against studying, really.

-Lisaa

2008-11-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

hahaha just lost in MJ, damn!
hopefully it isn't some forboding premonition for the first exam on monday.
oh well i'll study hard on sunday to make up for playing today!=)
i'm so hopeless. indeed, mahjong comes before studying, anyday.

and simone's coming over tmr to make lunch for me, =)
and wake me so i can study a bit earlier than usual.
last minute run for the exam! =p whoohoo i love the adrenelin rush of being unprepared,
so i so totally rush through my readings. i think i do it on purpose lol.
it's damn boring when i feel prepared for an exam.

sigh,
he keeps me company till 6am whenever i'm studying late,
he rubs my stomach with oil when i'm having cramps or anything,

removes my contacts when i'm sprawled on the bed,
comes to nus to fetch me home regularly,
despite loud protests and consistent ingratitude,
stays awake till 7am because he was afraid i would call for him if i were to awake and suffer from cramps,

brings me surprises till i'm not surprised by his surprises LOL,

makes sure i've eaten well,
and if not, buys something for me,
or cooks for me,
asks for my schedule everyday,
soothes my worries and fears,
encourages me everytime i doubt,
remembers everything i tell him,
reminds me to study hard and pushes me.

he laughingly piggybacks me in NUS, from the bus stop to my house,
and up the stairs to my room,

showers me with kisses all the time and smiles,
constantly squeezes my hand twice to tell me he'll always be there for me,

helps me in my work when he can,

follows me half way from a distance when i walk to rayner's place late at night,
half way, because it's his compromise towards my insistence of walking there alone.

he sees my hidden fears and longing,
even when they're unmentioned.
addresses them, talks to me about them.

he brings me anywhere i want to go,
brings me to eat anything i want to eat,
brings me to do anything i want to do..

geh, he spoils me, honestly.
he so does.
not that i'm being a ingrate,

but I'm, so terribly afraid of being dependent on him.
of becoming so, if i'm not already am.

I really, rather not be.
but it's almost as if he demands me to be, sometimes.
overwhelming so.

In my own way,
i treasure, cherish him so much.
but at the same time, I wonder if I can be the same person,
whom I used to be,

but how can I be? when i depend so much on him.

how do I be the girl, the woman i want to be,
to fit this image i've envisioned myself to be?

the girl who is more independent, less reliant,
more reliable, and simply, herself.

and this seems so one sided, i worry that i'm not doing enough for him,
that nothing i do for him can equal what he has done for me.

but at the end, there're no lingering regrets. none at all. none.

i've never blogged directly about him before.
perhaps i was too mindful of this being a public blog,
i'm just seeing him, i know i'm not ready for a serious relationship, not yet.
goodness, i talk about breaking up once every 2 weeks, minimum.
i desperately guard my space at times, and insist on the silliest things.

but yeah, this could be serious.
just maybe..
which is why i'm quite comfortable about talking about it openly on my blog,
and not sweeping it under the carpet.
at least for now,
i'm relatively sure of my feelings for him.
it won't fade that easily.

oh and next time I MUST BLOG ABOUT MY MSN CONVO WITH WAN WEI!!!! . =)))
was DAMN ENLIGHTENING, serious.
erased a hell lot of regrets and useless pondering.

NOW I NEED TO SLEEPPPPPPPP IT'S 7.30AM!!!
I'M FREAKING TIRED.

-Lisaa

2008-11-18T02:34:00.001-08:00

I wonder..

I know, i overthink too much.

-Lisa

2008-11-07T05:12:00.000-08:00

human beings have such a unfortunate propensity for hurting each other.

sometimes it's more of a automatic reflex, don't you think?

I learnt a lot today,
and i honestly, will not hurt someone else purposefully,
to the degree she hurt me today.
never. i swear. because it can hurt so much.
the emotional scar you can inflict on someone you hardly know,
through harsh and cruel words,
which can be never taken back.

i'll never, ever do that to someone else i barely know,
let alone someone i know well.
i hope, no matter what.

i'm glad i know how to be subtle.
because it's a valuable trait,
and will not hurt as much as if i were to be brutal and frank to friends family and strangers alike.

it's difficult not hating her.
sometimes i think, i know i do.
i'm trying not to be.

but i'm glad i reacted the way i did.
i hope i was really graceful about it, =)
and did not reply in kind.

hopefully i'll forget it soon,

perhaps it's a chapter worth closing, quickly.

either wise, it's a bitter lesson.
about people, about myself, about a lot of things.

i'm so tired of crying so often.
with such abject depression.

words are extremely, scary.

-Lisaa

2008-11-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

it's only been 2 days,
and yet i miss you so badly.

touching you, kissing you, the interweave of sweat and cologne.
the feeling of being with you,
your sense of rationality, irrationality.
your constant protecting, indulging,
loving me so, taking care of me.
how cliched, how terribly true.
i wonder if i need you, truly.
whether it's physical, emotional, or love.
yes, it has only been two days.

it's a blessing he doesn't read this blog,
which is the main reason i can put these sort of stuff up lol.

i would never tell this to him, face to face.

-Lisaa

2008-11-06T10:11:00.001-08:00

when I falter,
you seem to be perpetually by my side,
by me, holding out your hand in case i fall,
instead of helping me after i fall.

love may come knocking on my doorstep,
but no, i wouldn't recognise it, i think.

hello, dear sir, how may i help you today?

-Lisaa

2008-11-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

I'm trying, trying to walk away.
but this ain't going away..

you're mesmerizing.

-Lisaa

2008-10-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

PROJECT - a storybook for children.

alas, the irony.
even as i write the text for the book,
i'm rolling my eyes.

-Lisaa

2008-10-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

i'll be my own deux ex machina. i will.

and oh, love, love, love.
to do so simply because of love.
in my own way, it's love, i know it to be.
it's because of it i'm leaving him without much regrets.

-Lisaa

2008-10-19T00:36:00.000-07:00

honestly,

tried and tested,
you hurt the most when you realized you've emotionally hurt someone you love deeply.

it hurts so much less when others hurt you,
because at least, you've the right to be angry at someone,
anyone other than yourself.

i've been apologizing a lot lately.

-Lisaa

2008-10-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

WHAT MAKES ONE ( or at least me ) HAPPY =D

( in no particular order at all and this list will be on-going, and on-going and on-going.)

source-http://fleursdumall.blogspot.com/2006/10/forbidden-things-2.html

1. taking a hot hot hot hot shower, with plenty of steaming hot water,

and reading a super absorbing book in the meanwhile,

coming out all clean and refreshed, the cold air giving you goosebumps.

2. Reading something sweet diana wrote to me, and her infinite patience for taking my silly sporadic emails seriously.

3. Planning what to send to sweet, sweet marl for christmas! =)))

TBC! =)

-Lisaa

2008-10-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Oh manda, i miss you and your ralph lauren polo shirt LOL.

-Lisaa

2008-10-12T15:05:00.001-07:00

strangely,

i hope our paths, already so far apart,
will diverge even further,
and i won't see you again.
perhaps. this, i will leave up to fate.

hmmm, for a while i was quite annoyed that i wasn't going overseas for SEP for my second year,
but i properly thought about it,
and arrr, well, seriously. least i can keep my parents company this way.
i'm the only child afterall,

and as i grow up,
i should remember that they're ageing,
and wouldn't be here forever.
so i really should spend time with them while i still can.

-Lisaa

2008-10-08T11:30:00.001-07:00

and afterall,
you're my wonderwall.

and friends do typically cheer you up after a rather dismal day.
it's almost like a rule LOL.

i cease to be surprised, even.
laugh, they really have a lot to live up to.
but thanks, man. andy li wen jas hsin ching diana jenny. =)

andy, for being nice and gentlemanly, and fetching to and fro science, a journey i was somewhat dreading, li wen for so many things i can't even be bothered to list it out, ching jas and jenny for simply having a super chill out and gossip evening with the band and hope you've had a fun celebration, jen!=), we'll visit arab street again!, and diana, for sorting things out, making everything clearer (im glad, and yes i'll think bout it and tell you soon. =p) and DUH ESP FOR THE BROWNIES!!!!!! which was uber sweet and had choc chips! =) and yah, like famous amos cookies!

heck, even ron and reeve brightened up the day during break, just talking casually.
banter, really.

haha and alvin and sheena,
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REPLY YOUR MSN OFFLINE MSGES. =p
sheena, sat afternoon- evening okay for studying? or sunday evening?
and alvin, fixed your msn yet? or is it still being a bitch?

and the one who has always been there, no matter how i've doubted you,
you've played the biggest part, least throughout this whole episode.
perhaps, it's finally over. i really hope so.

-Lisaa
I HAVE, I NEED, I WANT TO RUN.

2008-10-06T07:55:00.000-07:00

I'm SOOO FREAKING OUT NOW.
simone's talking to my dad now AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Lisaa

2008-10-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

WTHHH.

i don't get why yale has stuff like lesbian and gay studies,
but DOESN'T HAVE COMMUNICATIONS AND NEW MEDIA WTF.

and nothing like another girl to make you realize that you've fallen.

-Lisaa

2008-10-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

usual few sentences! =)

meant to have a good talk with dia today, but didn't manage to. =( sigh oh well.. i don't know quite what to say as well. but i just know i want to talk to her. and i'm not making sense as usual these days. lol and being on a regular emotional rollarcoaster is zzzz. oh well, being troubled can be fun! =)))) im serious there's a certain charm in being all sad and bothered. but least when im happy, i AM happy. being bothered is a different story, and it's even more annoying that nus is losing it's charm for me. i can't wait to experience overseas life.

lol, journal style entries which just rant has it's appeal.
but it's a tad, a bit sad, excluding my outside friends,
i know i can't really comfortably lean on anyone in nus,
despite everything.
but it's probably my fault, actually.
so i just have to suck it up, and withstand it.

-Lisaa

2008-09-28T12:26:00.001-07:00

haha my few sentences of the day!

the sugar cane and beef kway teow at laguna is really nice, but now i've a bad bad bad craving for satay. and the company's important too. =) and to reiterate, PEARLYN REALLY IS SWEET. i miss her and cindy. haha candice i miss you too, but nah that's not because you're sweet. =p miss youuu and i really have to properly clear my hp inbox geh it's bloody troublesome.

yup a stream of thoughts. collective unconscious? NAH NO WAY.

-Lisaa

2008-09-28T11:52:00.000-07:00

OH AND RANDOMMM.

haha thought about it,
and i will really try to blog more often.

maybe just a simple sentence per day.

so i don't forget how i've lived my life, how i felt, loved, believed.
as simple as that.

AND PEARLYN THAT WAS SO FREAKING SWEET.
IM SERIOUS.

-Lisaa

2008-09-23T12:28:00.001-07:00

lol, blogging bug is back with me latched on to my computer.

just wanted to declare, to most of my good/best friends overseas.

AMANDA HAVE A INSPIRING JOURNEY AND TAKE CARE FOR GOD SAKE!

MARL I LOVE YOU. ( for being simply being there.)

VER YOU'LL BE BACK RATHER SOON. =) CAN'T WAIT. CAN'T WAIT.

SAR YOU AS WELL. EXAMS ARE SOON RIGHT? END OF OCT. STUDY HARD AND TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH.

WAN WENNNN, THIS WEEK IS RECESS WEEK SO I'LL BE LOGGING IN MSN DURING NORMAL HOURS!! MAYBE I'LL BUMP INTO YOU HEH.

haha this sounds childish,
but friendship can be so adorably childish heh.
that's the whole beauty of it.
there's a different sort of joy, in seeing your good friends go overseas,
and change, and mesmerize. =)

-Lisaa
=) happy, carefree recess week.

2008-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

there're still a lot of loose threads, gleaming as they lay tangled on the floor.
i honestly don't know how to untangle them.

there's a huge jump to take,
but no, the ravine's too wide,
and chasm too deep.

haha it's freaking hard.
to be the person I've always envisioned myself to be.

the social butterfly,
the sporty individual,
the musician,
the study grind, the bookworm,
the deep and perceptive girl,
the woman who'll always be there for friends, family, and herself.

oh well.
i'll make do with what I have,
and the person I am. =)
no point being constantly dissatisfied with yourself.
just makes one tired and saddddddddd.

-Lisaa

starting here,
i'm learning fast.

courage see me through,
heart i'm trusting you.

sigh, i'm really ignoring my common sense here.
but it's fun,
to take a high stakes gamble,
and HOPE LIKE HELL YOU WIN!!!=p

2008-09-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

I’ll draw for you,

on an empty canvas,

a beautiful picture,
which no words can describe.

with no sorrow, no parting,
no grief, no tears,
no hate, no bewilderment.

One of the rare promises which I mean.

-Lisaa

2008-09-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry.

for anything i might have said, done, or felt.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
that's all I can state, with any conviction at all.

-Lisaa

2008-09-04T10:57:00.000-07:00

and how dangerous.

you caution yourself to be to guarded,
you double check your defenses, subconsciously of course.

and one day,
you take a look at yourself,
find your defenses almost down,
and you so vulnerable.

it's so unsafe to love.

it's so unsafe that i simply cannot imagine the hurt one can inflict on another.
and all the tears the burning insecurity and the endless wondering.

honestly, i'm just plain scared.

people so like to fall in love.
as in seriously fall fall fall in love 'im going to marry this person' kind.
not the sweet eye candy type, nor the crush type either.

serious, seemingly lifetime couples surround me,
and i'm just left wondering how they do it.

i rather remain nonchalant, flirting but never letting myself be pulled into the whole arena of crying, drinking, wanting to die because you love him so, and/or throwing your temper at your significant other simply because you just love the other person so and hence you turn irrational.

i wonder why i'm so frightened.
and if he's serious as well.

but whatever i do, i'll bear the consequences, without a doubt.

whether it be
my fate of remaining insouciant,
or a whole crying fit and me going mildly hysterical.

time'll sort this out for me, that i'm sure.
short term!=) get past this month.

floorball ifg, the contrast competition,
friends with their various problems, some more serious than others,
me and other friends, struggling with ourselves, our beliefs, ideals, insecurities,
numerous and endless project meetings,
competitive yet fun level 3 tutorials, the never ending 8am lectures,
manda flying off, project proposals,
the uncomfortable procedures of turning friends down because you're busy,
that required studying for that skyhigh cap,
weekly assignments for visual modules, lack of sleep,
and of course...

oh well,

everything will be a little less opaque after this month, won't it?

tis hard wanting everything in life. great grades. perfect relations with friends, wanting everyone to be happy, perfect family household, perfect physical athletic health, a flourishing romantic life, a great social scene, and peace and serenity with yourself. but nah, that's absolutely impossible.

but i am okaay with things now. just that i stumble once in a while.

-Lisaa
still, as always, at a loss.

2008-09-04T10:44:00.000-07:00

ohhh, how interesting.
livejournal's alienating their users in a grasp for profits.

hmmm madness or a bid to survive?

i think it's madness.
maybe there's a method to the madness,
but nothing's worse than pissing your users/readers off.

bon voyage livejournel, you'll be obsolete soon i predict.

ah, hold me close, and kiss me again and again.

-Lisaa
space. yep. it's called space.

2008-09-03T11:40:00.001-07:00

we were meant to be,
supposed to be, but we lost it.

ahh, memories.

temporarily addicted to Avril's songs.
probably i'm attributing it to the hype surrounding her coming concert here.

and...oh well.
i wonder. i wonder.
if you're serious.
but this is such a typical girl question.
today could have been such a bad day,
but thing is, could have been.

i'm glad i talked to candice,especially. =)

and a surprise sms really did bring a smile to my lips,
at the end of the seemingly monotonous, bad and tiresome day.

-Lisaa

2008-09-03T08:48:00.000-07:00

lol,
a commercial being banned,
is like an assurance of quality
and it having a liberal dose of good/sick humour.

-Lisaa

2008-08-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Lisa,

I noticed that you have missed one discussion group sessionof NM2102: Communications and New Media Research on the 28th of August, Thursday at 9am. In case you are not aware, the Faculty monitors attendance for discussion groups closely as your absence will affect your CA grade. I would appreciate it if you could let me know the reason for your absence. If you have documentary proof supporting your absence, you may also submit it to me in the next discussion group session

Also, for your information, you have been allocated to DW 4 - Group 2 for the group project and your group mates are as follows:

1. X
2. X
3. X
4. X

In the meantime, you are strongly encouraged to email them
(you can access their emails under 'Class Groups' in IVLE -> DW 4 - Group 2)
to introduce yourself.

See you in class next week.

Regards, X

OMFG. i've never missed a fucking tutorial, EVER.
my first letter of this sort during my entire nus academic life.
AHH, hell.
haha this might sound strange coming from me, but seriously,
as often as i miss lectures on occasion,
i don't miss tutorials, ever.

and to think as a result i won't be doing this project with my friend sigh
and instead with 4 random strangers.
GEH. zzzzzzzzzz.

i can't believe i forgot about it.
it's as simple as that.
i thought the tutorial was on friday.
god i need to go for brain scanning.
i think i so deserve the drop in CA points lol.
it's absolutely deserving, seeing i've turned dumb nowdays.

lol, going to chiong.
this sem i've somewhat turned into this uber forgetful nerd
who's periodically late for lessons and sleeps in lectures.
sigh, okay. it's just the first 3 weeks.
nothing that can't be made up by a few weeks of hard work.
but nus's unforgiving lol.

shopping with sheena tired me out like hell last night laugh,
totally konked out once i got home.
but i'm glad she got the essentials for her dnd heh,
and managed to buy a comfy dress, a first.

sigh, oh well. now's around 8am,
reply to project emails, shower, then study till around 11.30am,
go ding tai fung for lunch with li wen and manda,
then after dinner at home,
tennis 7 to 10 with the guys,
and hopefully after that i can read through my lecture notes.
-sighhhhh.

-Lisaa
perhaps your love's just tainted.

2008-08-22T20:46:00.000-07:00

I really am a cynical person,
despite how much i perceive myself to be idealistic.

perhaps i've seen too many breakups,
too many tears,
too many players,
too much shallowness,
too many people quickly switching their affections from one person to another,
within a span of short lived days, weeks, months.
too much gossip,
too much regret, hurt, coldness for me to take anything lightly.

what goes up, has to come down.

getting together doesn't mean a lot of things nowadays.

too many people endeavour to be selfish in this rapid, rushed race for happiness.

i'm sorry, Jas.
i want so badly to be optimistic and to be truly happy for you.
but i'm just so skeptical, i can't.

-Lisaa
shiro.=)

2008-08-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

my first proper result of me mucking around with photoshop!

there's, again,

so much to say.

yet, once again,
i find myself unable to start.
unable to elucidate, to extrapolate,

unable to say anything at all of consequence to you.

hmm, question, question.
and a rather important one at that, least to me lol.

what makes you happy?

truth be told, i'm feeling rather blase and nonchalent about everything in my life now.
and i'm wondering how to feel happy again.
the innocent kind, the mid term kind. perhaps 3, 4 weeks?

perhaps, to feel loved would do the trick.
would it?

-Lisaa

2008-08-09T00:18:00.000-07:00

me jenny jas manda li wen hsin ching before entering mos. =)

LOL i swear the weirdest stuff always happen to us no matter where we are.

shhh,

mysterious, enigmatic smile, sports, surreality, incredulity,

3 plus hours, slight soreness, isolated, being late, four showers.

ah this may seem orphic, and a tad cryptical.

but this is my secret to keep,

and i'll try to be a tad surreptitious about this. ;)

and no, qin hong.

bet you can't dig anything out of this entry like how you usually do. =p

and i can't believe i'll be playing TENNIS on national day.

hahaha rushing from one place to another today,

manda's place, rayner's place and my cousin's place.

but just knocked out for a while in the midst of the day.

doing ANYTHING in the morning just takes so much out of me.

and oh well, the academic semester is starting.

i should get into gear and aim for a 4.7 now. =)

and somehow try to slot in everything else in the bargain.

possibly acapella, cnm, basketball recre, friends, family, books, literature, relationships, the usual.

diana, sheena, qin hong, wan wei and many others will keep me driven

concerning academics, i'm certain.

that and my own inflated sense of pride in myself.

laugh pray that I don't eat my words in the future!!!

ahh,

and to be someone who can put truth to self, above truth to role.

how ideal. i'll be keeping this apotheosis in mind for a while, at least.

-Lisaa

just another way to survive.

2008-08-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

I nearly forgot this.

the simple near rustic mandate.

love should be fun. =)

nah, not impossible longing,

not unpleasant surprises,

not reminders of ex-girlfriends or boyfriends,

no unhappy comparisons,

no distant stares.

im not saying it should be some fluffy cloud crappy fantasy world.

but ultimately,

one should be, at it's very very very core,

happy, and secure.

WOOHOO my sense of idealism has returned!!!

thanks to an overdose of les miserables and shania twain.

life's too fleeting short for one to willingly compromise on the things which matter.

love happens to be one of them.

and to return to the real world for a moment,

getting thrashed by simone in tennis and badminton

within a TWO day span was absolutely dismal la.

and i miss mahjong with the usual gangs.

anyway, mj and swimming on sat! :)

accompanying simone on his shopping spee tmr,

then rushing back for what's left of o week till thursday! =p

and slot in yoga class with li wen on tuesday,

and manda's birthday celebration on wed.

and and two hours of badminton on friday PRAY I DON'T DIE IT'S DAMN TIRING.

haha DAMN HIGH now.

think it's evident!

maybe maybe it's the blood rush from tennis, pretty photos with cindy in her pretty dress,

happy happy beautiful music, and idealism festinating towards me.

laugh but it's damn nice feeling like this.

it's the kind of feeling which prompts you to just dance to the music in your room heedlessly,

to sing along with the music,

to sing merrily in the shower,

to just smile and be nice to everyone who contacts me,

to laughingly tease my friends.

to inundate them with smiley faces. =))))))))))))))))))))))))))

LOL ws and simone are dying with all of the nonsense and hokum i'm hurling at them!

or rather ws is being a darling about this and coping well,

while simone is throwing a hundred redundant threats to me if i don't listen to him.

tsk.

-ruffles hair-

-Lisaa

the unavoidable kiss.

2008-07-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

hmm, i was reading shawn's and wan wei's blog posts about lurvee,
one, musings written in a forward and probing manner,
a touch of reminscence,
and the other, harsher, with a definative view.

and well, more significantly,
watching the movie sense and sensibility,
which was most probably the most frustrating movie i've seen in a while.

the movie in particular, has left me utterly depressed.
haha what a coincidence.
makes me almost want to believe in the idea of shared consciousness.
( haha thanks diana was racking my brain to remember the phrase for this)

Well, watch it and hopefully you'll understand what I'm trying to convey.
see if you can spot,
the unspoken expectations everyone has of each other.
the fact that every single character doesn't speak their mind,
perhaps with the sole exception of two females.
how everyone is left guessing, everyone is left wanting,hanging, waiting,
hoping, surviving.

you see how clearly, how people grudgingly make love into being a choice,
abandoning it, manipulating their own ideals of love to their convenience,
their own whims and fancies.
their resignations, acceptance.
to experience happiness, and the next second have it pulled away.

and still, how tiresomely, childishly happy they can be.
it's laughable.

and i've realized that i'm a pretty pretty extreme idealist.
maybe one can shove the blame to literature,
one's personality, a turn of the coin.

but i do know,
i can die for love, so easily.

nay, you need not call it love.
reckless passion, hysteria, misinterpretation,
an infinite longing which will remain always unfulfilled.
being overwhelmed by cascade of emotions which moves you to helpless tears,
love for family, only the best of friends.
i will die, for any of these.

Marianne struck such a chord within me.
when she willingly subjected herself to the torrential rain,
caring for nothing but her overwhelming despair.
experiencing first hand the gap between idealism and reality.
perfectly willing to die.
I knew that I could have done the same,
that I would have done the same.

scary thought, no?
I wish i took the concept of life more seriously.
but no, in true literature fashion,
your own life, by virtue of your own irrationality and sheer strength of emotion,
can be too painful to sit through.

again, i reiterate,
no, i'm not scared of death.
but it shall be on my own terms.

-Lisaa
=) nothing'll change lol. least for now.